Just Love

Instead of wondering what I can get out of this world, how about waking each day with the question:  What can I give today? Who can I love?  How can I brighten this small piece of the world I live in?  

I think about how I’ve been dreaming of finding that special guy.   

Because I’ve been hurt, because I don’t want to make the same mistake thrice I have a terrific list of must haves and can’t haves.  I doubt seriously there’s anyone out there that would qualify just in those specifications alone.  He must be perfect and generous with his love for me and – here’s the real rub - he must magically make up for all the wrongs ever done to me.  It’s no wonder I can’t find him.  

Then I think about how I was given Dia at a stage in my reproductive life that, without help from science, might be considered a miracle.  It’s remarkable nonetheless.  And I wonder why me?  Maybe it’s because my only thought when it comes to children is to love THEM.  I expect zero back in return.  I merely relish in the love I feel for them.  Nothing in my life has ever brought me so much.  Just loving.  Without asking for a damn thing back.  Just loving them.

And it occurred to me today during my meditation that that is exactly what I am doing wrong everywhere else.  I want.  I want to have as much as the folks on the top of the hill.  Give me that.  I want.  I want a perfect family with a man, a father, at my side because it looks shiny and it is what is normal and expected.  Give me that.  I want.  I want a better car, a bigger house, nicer stuff.  Give me that.  I want.  I want a bigger bank account.  Give me that.  I want. I want to travel the world; to be taken care of; to sit back with my feet up and have someone else do it all.  I want.  Give me that.

And in all my life the only thing I was ever so brilliant at that I actually give myself credit is my parenting.  That’s not because I’m so wise and so magnificently insightful.  It’s because I don’t talk all the time.  I listen.  I am not looking for my agenda to get filled.  I’m not waiting for the day that they do whatever it is that is going to make me feel loved, cherished, validated, worthy, fulfilled.  I just love.  And it works.  It’s successful.  Inadvertently.  It’s a side effect of just giving of me to them with no expectations of a return.  In fact, not even wishing for one.  And when the return comes – and it does – it lights me up so much more than any grand gesture dressed up in a bouquet of roses ever could.

So logically… wouldn’t it go to follow that if I put that kind of love into every other part of the world, it would earn a return as successful as my parenting?  What if tomorrow I wake up and ask:  What can I give today?  Who can I love?  Where can I show compassion?  How can I help?  And just trust that that, in and of itself, is enough.  What do I get back?  Nothing.  But my little corner of the world is rosier, and the sun shines a little brighter in it.  Because of me.  And that is enough.

In fact, I won't wait until tomorrow.  I'm going to start now.