Here is the latest helpful advice from our favorite clueless self-help guru (my comments in red):
Mom, will you drive me over to school so I can practice with the cheerleader squad?"
"Maybe, Susie. Did you get your household contributions finished already?"
I am sorry. My what? My household contributions? What is that?... tithing? Speak English for God's sake. Or Spanish. Or Sane. Yeah, sane would be good here.
"Well, I thought I'd do them tonight after I get home."
"That sounds great, except that our agreement was that they are supposed to be done before you leave the house."
"That sounds great, except that our agreement was that they are supposed to be done before you leave the house."
If you don't like her answer, Mom, why did you open with "That sounds great"? I am picturing you delivering this line with that special head-tilted, wide-eyed, sweet-voiced weirdness that only truly repressed people can really nail.
"But, Mom, that is so lame. None of my friends have to do stuff like that!"
"I'm sure that's true, Susie, and what did I say?"
"But, Mom, that is so lame. None of my friends have to do stuff like that!"
"I'm sure that's true, Susie, and what did I say?"
Um... As a fellow 'adult' I'm not even sure what you said. It's pretty much clicks and whistles. So I don't know how Susie would be able to follow your insanity thinking. She's not even old enough to drive for Pete's sake.
"Well, I'll just call Vera. Her mom will drive both of us to practice. I'm going anyway and you can just forget those jobs 'cause I've just about had it with being a slave around here!"
"That's a possibility, Susie. Are you telling me that you're just going to leave those jobs for me to take care of like you did last month?"
What the... Are you some sort of robot, Mom? Or an alien? Seriously, Susie just threw DOWN with that one and all you got is"That's a possibility?" You disappoint me, Mom. Surely you can do better than that.
"Oh, fine! Just fine, Mom! Can't you just lighten up? The last time you took care of it, I got a $40 bill from the Merry Maids. It took most of my savings. I don't know why you have to make such a big deal about chores. I get good grades! Isn't that enough? Geez!"
Seriously, Mom, you DO kind of suck. If $40 wiped out her savings, you aren't throwing many bones here. My cat has more in his savings than that.
"Well, Susie, I guess that if I were your age which I never have been since I was created in a lab in a mad scientist's castle, I'd have a hard time understanding why everyone should do their share of the work. It will probably be a lot easier to understand someday when you have a family of your own. If you don't figure it out by then, I'll give it another try."
"Well, I'll just call Vera. Her mom will drive both of us to practice. I'm going anyway and you can just forget those jobs 'cause I've just about had it with being a slave around here!"
"That's a possibility, Susie. Are you telling me that you're just going to leave those jobs for me to take care of like you did last month?"
What the... Are you some sort of robot, Mom? Or an alien? Seriously, Susie just threw DOWN with that one and all you got is"That's a possibility?" You disappoint me, Mom. Surely you can do better than that.
"Oh, fine! Just fine, Mom! Can't you just lighten up? The last time you took care of it, I got a $40 bill from the Merry Maids. It took most of my savings. I don't know why you have to make such a big deal about chores. I get good grades! Isn't that enough? Geez!"
Seriously, Mom, you DO kind of suck. If $40 wiped out her savings, you aren't throwing many bones here. My cat has more in his savings than that.
"Well, Susie, I guess that if I were your age which I never have been since I was created in a lab in a mad scientist's castle, I'd have a hard time understanding why everyone should do their share of the work. It will probably be a lot easier to understand someday when you have a family of your own. If you don't figure it out by then, I'll give it another try."
Wait. Did that make sense to anyone else out there? What does she mean by "if you don't figure it out by then, I'll give it another try"? Is she planning to show up at grown-up Susie's place once she's married with children? I can only imagine that opening: "Hi, Susie. I'm sure you remember our conversation when you were 14 and wanted a ride to cheer practice. Now let's get to those household contributions!"
"Does that mean you're not going to take me?"
Yeah, Mom, are you sure you aren't just milking this for a visit from Merry Maids? I think you are totally working this so Vera's mom will drive Susie and you can kick back with a girly umbrella drink and a couple of Vicodin.
"No, Susie, I'll be glad to give you a ride just as soon as the jobs are done. Let me know when that is and I'll jump right to it. See you later, sweetie. Right now I have a date with my medicine cabinet."
"Does that mean you're not going to take me?"
Yeah, Mom, are you sure you aren't just milking this for a visit from Merry Maids? I think you are totally working this so Vera's mom will drive Susie and you can kick back with a girly umbrella drink and a couple of Vicodin.
"No, Susie, I'll be glad to give you a ride just as soon as the jobs are done. Let me know when that is and I'll jump right to it. See you later, sweetie. Right now I have a date with my medicine cabinet."
Note: This
discussion is bound to come up before long. (I wouldn't put any real money on that...) You might want to keep this
handy. (For easy access, Mom, keep it with your copy of "The Guide to Understanding Men: If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs"*) You may find a need to say, "I'm not sure how to react to what
you are asking. Give me a few minutes, and I'll get right back to you."
This will give you time to race to the nightstand for a quick
reminder, a shot of Baileys and a Xanax.
*This is a real book.
You know what? I'm leaving you without a closing remark. I am aware that this is shirking my responsibilities and someone somewhere is surely to suffer an energy drain because of this. I accept that possibility and the
