Thursday, January 26, 2012

Early Civilization

When Dia attended her first week of Kindergarten she’d really never had any sort of "formal" early socialization.  I was expecting some bumps and a little bit of culture shock but I wasn’t ready for her to have to switch desks away from a child the first week.  It turns out that child was taunting Dia, telling her she didn’t know anything.  Dia, who took this quite literally since she had never known teasing prior to that very moment, tried to explain to the little girl that she did too know stuff – like she knew a ton about dinosaurs.  Little Miss refused to accept that and just continued with her mantra that Dia, in fact, didn’t know anything at all even about dinosaurs.  After a time, Dia began to get hurt feelings and her teacher decided that this particular pairing was not a good one.  Call it a personality conflict.

Dia took this all in stride.  She wasn’t overly hurt and was given a seat opposite an invisible child (the poor dear had yet to attend class – I don’t know if she was sick or withdrew from class, but she had a desk and a name plate all the same).  Dia was happy at her new desk placement.  Everything was OK in the end. 

Except that I think we are doing it wrong. 

I agree with what Dia's teacher did in this instance, but disagree that nothing was ever said about it.  There was no discussion to Little Miss about why Dia was being moved away.  There was no sit-down with the kids to explain that, really, calling someone stupid is quite unkind and we shouldn't go out of our way to say hurtful things.

Do we send our children to early education for true socialization or is it just to toughen them up for what is to come?  I mean, what is preschool's version of socialization exactly?  It looks to me like it’s adults dumping their children in a pile and letting them sort it out with a modicum of guidance as to ‘how we behave’ with one another.  “Hands are not for hitting” and “teeth are not for biting” themes resound, but we aren’t teaching our children to be gracious or kind.  I truly believe that perhaps a better alternative to early socialization might be early civilization.   As in being civil to one another.

Stay with me a moment on this one because I really do feel like I’m alone here and I want to provoke a thought or two out there.  Contrary to popular belief kids aren’t mean to each other by nature.  We teach them that.  We teach them that it’s OK to talk to each other that way.  We teach them that it’s OK to be cruel to their siblings.  We teach them that kids just say mean things to each other and that “kids are mean.”  But kids are not mean people.   

Kids are just curious.  That's how they learn for Pete's sake.  So when Dia asked why the cashier at Ralph's was so heavy - in front of the overweight woman - it was an honest question.  She wasn't making a judgment.  She wasn't saying bigger was worse than smaller - she was just inquiring as to why this particular person was larger than the people she was accustomed to.  My answer was that there are all kinds of reasons a person can be heavy, but that a lot of them are very personal and it might hurt the person's feelings to dredge those up.  (We had a longer chat about it on the car ride home too, but that sufficed for the moment.)

That wasn't an amazing mom moment there.  Most moms I know would have said similar things if not just cutting to the chase with the "we don't ask such questions, it's rude" answer.  That's OK too.  In some way, shape or form we teach our kids that they shouldn't point out adults' flaws - whether we label it rude or hurtful, we do let them know it's not OK.

But what we do NOT do is bring our kids up short when they do that to other kids.  The children do not start out taunting each other.  They start out genuinely curious.  If they see a person that's different than they are,  they want to know about it.  That's all.  Often the way they learn about differences is by listening to us speak about people.  They hear OUR errant comments about fat people, too-skinny people, dark people, light people, and people who don't dress well.  Later, if our little sponge-babies share this wisdom we've imparted by relaying it to an adult, we redirect them in a second.  Yet if they do so to other kids?  We let it go.  Why?  Because kids are mean to each other.  Whatcha' gonna' do?

Same thing with siblings.  My thesis in college was on sibling placement so I'm not going to try to say that there's no natural sibling rivalry, but there isn't natural sibling abuse.  We allow that too.  We don't think twice about it because that's what we endured, that's what we heard our parents tell stories about (often somewhat fondly) and that's just how brothers (particularly) and sisters behave.  Right?

Wrong again.  We teach them that.  Yes.  Yes we do.  Think about it.  If your kid wallops on the dog, you grab the kid and tell him we don't treat dogs that way.  We must be gentle.  We must be kind.  That stance never changes.  We never allow the child to abuse the dog.

It starts out the same way with our children when a new sibling is introduced.  While one is still an infant we teach them to be gentle and kind with the baby.  Once the baby becomes a toddler, though, those restraints get loosened.  Sure we start out with redirection away from physical harm but once the younger sibling shows signs of strength and resilience, we stop.  We only break up the big ones, the ones that end with someone's eye about to be poked out.  From that day on, we silently teach our kids that it's OK to fight with their brother or sister or to be too rough or too physical with them, not to mention the mean things we allow them to say to each other.  We let it go.  Why?  Because siblings fight.  Whatcha' gonna' do?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.  I'm going to keep the course that I was on with my first two kids.  I'm going to teach Dia to be kind, to be thoughtful, to consider other people's feelings whether they are grown or small.  I'm going to teach her that manners are, in fact, the respect of others and she should know how to employ them.  Her older siblings can help her out a little and share with her how hard all that can be sometimes.  It's NOT easy to be the 'better person' in some situations and, contrary to what we all want to believe, kindness doesn't always pay.  The good guy doesn't always win and it sure would be a bummer to miss the opportunity to land a zinger on someone who deserves it.  Still, if I can set one more adult out to this cold, hard world who maybe isn't so cold or hard, I will have done one (more) good thing in my life.  This world definitely could use it!

Friday, January 20, 2012

True Confessions from a Perfect Mom

Everyone who knows me knows I am the best mom alive.  I am practically perfect in all things parental and I have the pudding to prove it.  Tim and Cheyanne are spectacular adults.  They are successful, happy, confident, well-adjusted and kind.  Dia is the teacher's favorite in all the classes she's attended, she has friends galore and she never gets in any trouble at school.  All that is my doing, of course.  I should pat myself on the back for such an amazing job.

Or I should wake up and smell the day-old coffee...

Now, it's true that Tim and Chey are a.ma.zing, but that is NOT because of me.  Dear lord and bless their souls, it is despite me.  The only thing I can give myself credit for was to have the sense God gave me to just get out of their ways and let them become who He created.  I didn't try to impose my agenda or have them fulfill a missing component out of my life.  (In fact, I always wanted a license plate frame that said "I do not live vicariously through my children.") 

That is what I do right.  What I do wrong is a list that goes on for days.

Poor Dia, in fact, had to endure my flawed parenting just this past Monday.  Even better, it was my I'm Alive Day - one in which, of all days, I should have just been grateful to simply be.  But no.  Instead I woke up all pity partying that I'm single and likely to stay that way forever (I told you it was a pity party).  A friend had introduced me to a guy who called the night before... we'd talked for a couple of hours actually and he was really nice, but definitely not for me.  This scenario keeps playing out: Katie meets guy, guy is nice, guy has some pretty major flaw (like a felony), Katie doesn't want guy, Katie convinces herself there are no great guys left.  Rinse and repeat.  ANYway - that was what I woke up with on my I'm Alive Day.  Oh, poor me. 

Piling on to my misery, I had to reschedule the day because Tim was sick and so couldn't do what we'd originally planned.  So I'm grumpy about that too.  Dia wanted to go down to the Discovery Museum (the Cube) because she loves it, but it's one of those places where the kids are much more entertained than the grown-ups and I wanted to do something either novel or more interesting to me.  I thought maybe we could start with breakfast at a place in town I'd never been that supposedly has the best breakfast in L.A.  OK?  No.  It's closed on Mondays.  So I'm grumpy about that as well.  I recoup and decide we'll have lunch at the Bowers Museum across from the Cube and... it's closed Mondays too.  At this point I'm all types of pissy.

All the while Dia was trying so amazingly hard to cheer me up.  She was saying how we always have fun at the Cube and how we'll see something new there and how everything is good.  To further try to cheer me, she toddled off and got herself dressed top to bottom all on her own and even did her hair.  The hair is a big, big deal.  She has crazy curly hair and it's a challenge for anyone to do, much less a five year old without the best fine motor skills in the world.  When she presented herself to me she had the biggest smile on her face and I could see the pride literally emanating from her.  So what did I do?

I exclaimed "Oh, you did your own hair!  Wow!"  But the good parenting ended there.  I attempted to fix a bump on the top of her hair saying "let me smooth that out" and she shied away from me like a spooked horse.  That's when I lost all sanity.  I scolded her saying that she promised she'd be good all day and that she promised we wouldn't fight over teeth brushing or baths or any of the usual things she protests daily which includes hair brushing so just let me smooth this out!  She backed away even further from me.  So because I'm all kinds of adult here, I picked up my purse and threw it to the ground (what the...???)  - and she started crying.  She was scared because, in fairness, I never act like that - and she was crushed because she'd been so proud of herself.

She went into her room, closed the door and, still crying, vented her frustrations to her stuffed animals.  I walked away from her, went back into my room, saw the purse on the floor, and immediately felt like the stupidest person alive.  I turned on my heels and pushed the door to her room open. 

"I am the worst human being."  I announced to Dia.  "I am just the worst thing ever."  And then I told her how I knew she was so proud that she did her own hair and she was just trying to cheer me up and she was doing absolutely nothing wrong and I just blew it.  I told her how I can't get that moment in time back but that I wish so much I could.  I told her I was sorry.  She hugged me back tightly and accepted my apology, but honestly she had every right not to.  It was just so shitty of me.

And then I did it again. 

I didn't throw anything this time and it wasn't directed at Dia, but I did it again. 

On the way to the Cube we got stuck in a huge traffic jam.  It took an extra hour to get there.  Once finally there, I paid $4 for parking but there was no parking.  Eventually, after doing several laps through their parking lot, I was forced to go park at the nearby mall.  The one that you can park in for free.  I've spent $4 to park in the free parking at the mall and there's no parking there either.  As I'm driving around searching for one empty spot, my mind is racing with "it took so long to get here, it's going to close in a few hours, it's packed so we won't be able to play with anything and this whole idea sucks."  So I express that.  AT TOP VOLUME.  Yup - driving around the mall parking lot, trying to find a single parking space, I am screaming at the top of my lungs about how much this sucks.  And?  Dia starts crying again.  (Again... reminding you that she is NOT used to this out of me at all, so I'm scaring her no end.)  "Pop the bubbles, Mama" she cried desperately "Pop the negative bubbles."

Sigh. 

I found a parking space, parked, got her out of the car seat, picked her up and carried her all the way to the Cube.  Quietly this time, I talked to her the whole way saying I was so sorry, I was done with the tantrums and no matter what she was the best thing in my life that day and I was so happy to be alive to have her. 

We ended up having a wonderful day despite me.  We met my mom for dinner before driving back up to L.A.  It was a nice little Chinese restaurant and Dia ordered vegetable egg rolls that were supposedly quite delicious.  I don't know because she wouldn't share them with me.  "After your behavior earlier today, do you think you deserve them?" she asked.  "No, sweetie, I don't in a million years."  I thought that was completely fair.

Kec

Friday, January 13, 2012

Pop That Bubble

So... Dia has done it again.

This morning I was bustling around just like any other school day morning.  Dia's tooth fairy present was a set of plush Angry Birds and, as she was munching breakfast, they were demanding to be fed bird seed.  Of course this was make believe but Dia's brand of make believe is pretty compelling, so without thinking about it I told the Angry Birds that they'd have to hold on a second because I was doing a million things at once.

"Four, Mom"  Dia said.
"What?"
"Four - you are doing four things I think.  Making coffee, fixing breakfast, packing my lunch and feeding the Angry Birds."

I countered that I was also getting Albert his breakfast and was thinking about a problem I woke up to at work, so it was more like 6 things, but I conceded she was right in that I wasn't doing a million things at once.

"So just do one thing and pop the other bubbles" she instructed me.
I didn't understand the bubble analogy and asked her about it and that's when my wiser than wise kid said this:

"Just focus on one thing.  One important thing.  Just make breakfast.  When you start thinking about making coffee, just pop that thought bubble.  It's not important so pop it.  When you are done with the one thing then do the next thing, but pop the other bubbles so you only do one thing at a time."

I stared at her for a second.  Then I grabbed a piece of paper, wrote "Pop the Bubbles!" on it in big letters and taped it up on my wall above my desk. 

Damn child.  What's next?

(Oh, and I did correct her on the fact that coffee was actually very very important.)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

What May Happen in (another?) 100 Years...

Remember my Occupy Sesame Street post in which I suggested getting rid of the letter Q (and C)? Well, my idea wasn't so far off in left field as I thought!  Here is one of the predictions for 2000 a journalist wrote back in 1900:

Prediction #16: There will be No C, X or Q in our every-day alphabet. They will be abandoned because unnecessary. Spelling by sound will have been adopted, first by the newspapers. English will be a language of condensed words expressing condensed ideas, and will be more extensively spoken than any other. Russian will rank second.

************************************************* 
For your reading pleasure here are the 27 additional predictions from The Ladies Home Journal from December 1900.  Enjoy and discuss!

Excerpts from the article“What May Happen in the Next Hundred Years”.
by John Elfreth Watkins, Jr.

These prophecies will seem strange, almost impossible. Yet, they have come from the most learned and conservative minds in America. To the wisest and most careful men in our greatest institutions of science and learning I have gone, asking each in his turn to forecast for me what, in his opinion, will have been wrought in his own field of investigation before the dawn of 2001 - a century from now. These opinions I have carefully transcribed.

Prediction #1: There will probably be from 350,000,000 to 500,000,000 people in America and its possessions by the lapse of another century. Nicaragua will ask for admission to our Union after the completion of the great canal. Mexico will be next. Europe, seeking more territory to the south of us, will cause many of the South and Central American republics to be voted into the Union by their own people.”

Prediction #2: The American will be taller by from one to two inches. His increase of stature will result from better health, due to vast reforms in medicine, sanitation, food and athletics. He will live fifty years instead of thirty-five as at present – for he will reside in the suburbs. The city house will practically be no more. Building in blocks will be illegal. The trip from suburban home to office will require a few minutes only. A penny will pay the fare.

Prediction #3: Gymnastics will begin in the nursery, where toys and games will be designed to strengthen the muscles. Exercise will be compulsory in the schools. Every school, college and community will have a complete gymnasium. All cities will have public gymnasiums. A man or woman unable to walk ten miles at a stretch will be regarded as a weakling.

Prediction #4:  There Will Be No Street Cars in Our Large Cities. All hurry traffic will be below or high above ground when brought within city limits. In most cities it will be confined to broad subways or tunnels, well lighted and well ventilated, or to high trestles with “moving-sidewalk” stairways leading to the top. These underground or overhead streets will teem with capacious automobile passenger coaches and freight with cushioned wheels. Subways or trestles will be reserved for express trains.  Cities, therefore, will be free from all noises.

Prediction #5:  Trains will run two miles a minute, normally; express trains one hundred and fifty miles an hour. To go from New York to San Francisco will take a day and a night by fast express.  There will be cigar-shaped electric locomotives hauling long trains of cars. Cars will, like houses, be artificially cooled. Along the railroads there will be no smoke, no cinders, because coal will neither be carried nor burned. There will be no stops for water. Passengers will travel through hot or dusty country regions with windows down.

Prediction #6:  Automobiles will be cheaper than horses are today. Farmers will own automobile hay-wagons, automobile truck-wagons, plows, harrows and hay-rakes. A one-pound motor in one of these vehicles will do the work of a pair of horses or more. Children will ride in automobile sleighs in winter. Automobiles will have been substituted for every horse vehicle now known. There will be, as already exist today, automobile hearses, automobile police patrols, automobile ambulances, automobile street sweepers. The horse in harness will be as scarce, if, indeed, not even scarcer, then as the yoked ox is today.

Prediction #7:  There will be air-ships, but they will not successfully compete with surface cars and water vessels for passenger or freight traffic. They will be maintained as deadly war-vessels by all military nations. Some will transport men and goods. Others will be used by scientists making observations at great heights above the earth.

Prediction #8:  Aerial War-Ships and Forts on Wheels. Giant guns will shoot twenty-five miles or more, and will hurl anywhere within such a radius shells exploding and destroying whole cities. Such guns will be armed by aid of compasses when used on land or sea, and telescopes when directed from great heights. Fleets of air-ships, hiding themselves with dense, smoky mists, thrown off by themselves as they move, will float over cities, fortifications, camps or fleets. They will surprise foes below by hurling upon them deadly thunderbolts. These aerial war-ships will necessitate bomb-proof forts, protected by great steel plates over their tops as well as at their sides. Huge forts on wheels will dash across open spaces at the speed of express trains of to-day. They will make what are now known as cavalry charges. Great automobile plows will dig deep entrenchments as fast as soldiers can occupy them. Rifles will use silent cartridges. Submarine boats submerged for days will be capable of wiping a whole navy off the face of the deep. Balloons and flying machines will carry telescopes of one-hundred-mile vision with camera attachments, photographing an enemy within that radius. These photographs as distinct and large as if taken from across the street, will be lowered to the commanding officer in charge of troops below.

Prediction #9:  Photographs will be telegraphed from any distance. If there be a battle in China a hundred years hence snapshots of its most striking events will be published in the newspapers an hour later. Even to-day photographs are being telegraphed over short distances.  Photographs will reproduce all of Nature’s colors.

Prediction #10:  Man will See Around the World. Persons and things of all kinds will be brought within focus of cameras connected electrically with screens at opposite ends of circuits, thousands of miles at a span. American audiences in their theatres will view upon huge curtains before them the coronations of kings in Europe or the progress of battles in the Orient. The instrument bringing these distant scenes to the very doors of people will be connected with a giant telephone apparatus transmitting each incidental sound in its appropriate place. Thus the guns of a distant battle will be heard to boom when seen to blaze, and thus the lips of a remote actor or singer will be heard to utter words or music when seen to move.

Prediction #11: No Mosquitoes nor Flies.  Insect screens will be unnecessary.  Mosquitoes, house-flies and roaches will have been practically exterminated.  Boards of health will have destroyed all mosquito haunts and breeding-grounds, drained all stagnant pools, filled in all swamp-lands, and chemically treated all still-water streams.  The extermination of the horse and its stable will reduce the house-fly.

Prediction #12:  Peas as Large as Beets.  Peas and beans will be as large as beets are to-day.  Sugar cane will produce twice as much sugar as the sugar beet now does.  Cane will once more be the chief source of our sugar supply.  The milkweed will have been developed into a rubber plant.  Cheap native rubber will be harvested by machinery all over this country.  Plants will be made proof against disease microbes just as readily as man is to-day against smallpox.  The soil will be kept enriched by plants which take their nutrition from the air and give fertility to the earth.

Prediction #13:  Strawberries as Large as Apples will be eaten by our great-great-grandchildren for their Christmas dinners a hundred years hence.  Raspberries and blackberries will be as large.  One will suffice for the fruit course of each person.  Strawberries and cranberries will be grown upon tall bushes.  Cranberries, gooseberries and currants will be as large as oranges.  One cantaloupe will supply an entire family.  Melons, cherries, grapes, plums, apples, pears, peaches and all berries will be seedless.  Figs will be cultivated over the entire United States.

Prediction #14:  Black, Blue and Green Roses.  Roses will be as large as cabbage heads.  Violets will grow to the size of orchids.  A pansy will be as large in diameter as a sunflower.  A century ago the pansy measured but half an inch across its face.  There will be black, blue and green roses.  It will be possible to grow any flower in any color and to transfer the perfume of a scented flower to another which is odorless.  Then may the pansy be given the perfume of the violet.

Prediction #15:  No Foods will be Exposed.  Storekeepers who expose food to air breathed out by patrons or to the atmosphere of the busy streets will be arrested with those who sell stale or adulterated produce.  Liquid-air refrigerators will keep great quantities of food fresh for long intervals.

Prediction #16: There will be No C, X or Q in our every-day alphabet.

Prediction #17: How Children will be Taught. A university education will be free to every man and woman. Several great national universities will have been established. Children will study a simple English grammar adapted to simplified English, and not copied after the Latin. Time will be saved by grouping like studies. Poor students will be given free board, free clothing and free books if ambitious and actually unable to meet their school and college expenses. Medical inspectors regularly visiting the public schools will furnish poor children free eyeglasses, free dentistry and free medical attention of every kind. The very poor will, when necessary, get free rides to and from school and free lunches between sessions. In vacation time poor children will be taken on trips to various parts of the world. Etiquette and housekeeping will be important studies in the public schools.

Prediction #18: Telephones Around the World. Wireless telephone and telegraph circuits will span the world. A husband in the middle of the Atlantic will be able to converse with his wife sitting in her boudoir in Chicago. We will be able to telephone to China quite as readily as we now talk from New York to Brooklyn. By an automatic signal they will connect with any circuit in their locality without the intervention of a “hello girl”.

Prediction #19:  Grand Opera will be telephoned to private homes, and will sound as harmonious as though enjoyed from a theatre box. Automatic instruments reproducing original airs exactly will bring the best music to the families of the untalented. Great musicians gathered in one enclosure in New York will, by manipulating electric keys, produce at the same time music from instruments arranged in theatres or halls in San Francisco or New Orleans, for instance. Thus will great bands and orchestras give long-distance concerts. In great cities there will be public opera-houses whose singers and musicians are paid from funds endowed by philanthropists and by the government. The piano will be capable of changing its tone from cheerful to sad. Many devises will add to the emotional effect of music.

Prediction #20: Coal will not be used for heating or cooking. It will be scarce, but not entirely exhausted. The earth’s hard coal will last until the year 2050 or 2100; its soft-coal mines until 2200 or 2300. Meanwhile both kinds of coal will have become more and more expensive. Man will have found electricity manufactured by waterpower to be much cheaper. Every river or creek with any suitable fall will be equipped with water-motors, turning dynamos, making electricity. Along the seacoast will be numerous reservoirs continually filled by waves and tides washing in. Out of these the water will be constantly falling over revolving wheels. All of our restless waters, fresh and salt, will thus be harnessed to do the work which Niagara is doing today: making electricity for heat, light and fuel.

Prediction #21: Hot and Cold Air from Spigots. Hot or cold air will be turned on from spigots to regulate the temperature of a house as we now turn on hot or cold water from spigots to regulate the temperature of the bath. Central plants will supply this cool air and heat to city houses in the same way as now our gas or electricity is furnished. Rising early to build the furnace fire will be a task of the olden times. Homes will have no chimneys, because no smoke will be created within their walls.

Prediction #22: Store Purchases by Tube. Pneumatic tubes, instead of store wagons, will deliver packages and bundles. These tubes will collect, deliver and transport mail over certain distances, perhaps for hundreds of miles. They will at first connect with the private houses of the wealthy; then with all homes. Great business establishments will extend them to stations, similar to our branch post-offices of today, whence fast automobile vehicles will distribute purchases from house to house.

Prediction #23: Ready-cooked meals will be bought from establishments similar to our bakeries of today. They will purchase materials in tremendous wholesale quantities and sell the cooked foods at a price much lower than the cost of individual cooking. Food will be served hot or cold to private houses in pneumatic tubes or automobile wagons. The meal being over, the dishes used will be packed and returned to the cooking establishments where they will be washed. Such wholesale cookery will be done in electric laboratories rather than in kitchens. These laboratories will be equipped with electric stoves, and all sorts of electric devices, such as coffee-grinders, egg-beaters, stirrers, shakers, parers, meat-choppers, meat-saws, potato-mashers, lemon-squeezers, dish-washers, dish-dryers and the like. All such utensils will be washed in chemicals fatal to disease microbes. Having one’s own cook and purchasing one’s own food will be an extravagance.

Prediction #24: Vegetables Grown by Electricity. Winter will be turned into summer and night into day by the farmer. In cold weather he will place heat-conducting electric wires under the soil of his garden and thus warm his growing plants. He will also grow large gardens under glass. At night his vegetables will be bathed in powerful electric light, serving, like sunlight, to hasten their growth. Electric currents applied to the soil will make valuable plants grow larger and faster, and will kill troublesome weeds. Rays of colored light will hasten the growth of many plants. Electricity applied to garden seeds will make them sprout and develop unusually early.

Prediction #25: Oranges will grow in Philadelphia. Fast-flying refrigerators on land and sea will bring delicious fruits from the tropics and southern temperate zone within a few days. The farmers of South America, South Africa, Australia and the South Sea Islands, whose seasons are directly opposite to ours, will thus supply us in winter with fresh summer foods, which cannot be grown here. Scientist will have discovered how to raise here many fruits now confined to much hotter or colder climates. Delicious oranges will be grown in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Cantaloupes and other summer fruits will be of such a hardy nature that they can be stored through the winter as potatoes are now.

Prediction #26: Few drugs will be swallowed or taken into the stomach unless needed for the direct treatment of that organ itself. Drugs needed by the lungs, for instance, will be applied directly to those organs through the skin and flesh. They will be carried with the electric current applied without pain to the outside skin of the body. Microscopes will lay bare the vital organs, through the living flesh, of men and animals. The living body will to all medical purposes be transparent. Not only will it be possible for a physician to actually see a living, throbbing heart inside the chest, but he will be able to magnify and photograph any part of it. This work will be done with rays of invisible light.

Prediction #27: There will be no wild animals except in menageries. Rats and mice will have been exterminated. The horse will have become practically extinct. A few of high breed will be kept by the rich for racing, hunting and exercise. The automobile will have driven out the horse. Cattle and sheep will have no horns. They will be unable to run faster than the fattened hog of today. A century ago the wild hog could outrun a horse. Food animals will be bred to expend practically all of their life energy in producing meat, milk, wool and other by-products. Horns, bones, muscles and lungs will have been neglected.

Prediction #28: To England in Two Days. Fast electric ships, crossing the ocean at more than a mile a minute, will go from New York to Liverpool in two days. The bodies of these ships will be built above the waves. They will be supported upon runners, somewhat like those of the sleigh. These runners will be very buoyant. Upon their under sides will be apertures expelling jets of air. In this way a film of air will be kept between them and the water’s surface. This film, together with the small surface of the runners, will reduce friction against the waves to the smallest possible degree. Propellers turned by electricity will screw themselves through both the water beneath and the air above. Ships with cabins artificially cooled will be entirely fireproof. In storm they will dive below the water and there await fair weather. 

Friday, January 6, 2012

Just Do Something

Last night a friend posted this blog on Facebook about a little boy who was losing his battle with cancer.  I read the post aloud to Dia while she took a bath and I couldn't get through it without crying.  Dia saw the photos of the little boy and, in her innocence, said they shouldn't give up on the medicine just because he looks puffy now.  She said we had to go buy him a Transformers card (because, she explained, all 5 year olds like Transformers) and that she would write a note to him that he should not give up.  She wanted to tell him he could make it.  She wanted to do something to help.

So do I.

I know this story touches people so because it's so easy to walk in those shoes.  We, as parents, live in terror that something could take our children from us.  Watching helplessly as sinister cells attack our most precious child has to be excruciating.  I can't imagine not wanting to invoke God, magic, radical medical treatments and holistic psychosomatic cures all at once.  I can't imagine not living in a constant frantic state trying to save your baby's life.

As an outsider or even as a friend to someone who is battling her own war with cancer, I share in that helpless feeling.  What can I possibly do to help?  Send the little boy a birthday card?  You betcha - that's done.  Send my friend something to cheer her ?  A little money ?  A silly card  ?  Hopefully all those gestures touch their hearts and give them a smile for the moment, but what I want to do is fix it.  I want to cure cancer.  Specifically I want my friend healthy and I want all the children in the world cured.  Now.

Because I want so much to make it right, to make it perfect, to fix it, I over-think.  Then, instead of actually getting that stupid little something and mailing it off, I think how lame the little something is in the face of what my friends are dealing with.  I second guess and end up putting the little something back and doing nothing instead.


Today as I was sitting at a stoplight on my way into work I saw a small child pushing a grocery cart overloaded with something in a giant black trash bag.  It was so ridiculously overfull that it reminded me of the Grinch with his sleigh full of the Who's Christmas.  His little sister toddled along beside him.  I could guess her at around 3 by her stride and height.  The boy was young too, maybe 6 or 7, but seemed confident and stronger than most kids that age.  A grown man was with them too, though that seemed more relative than literal.  He was a good 20 feet ahead of the kids.  He, too, carried a large black trash bag.  I guessed they had recyclables they were going to trade in for a little cash.

This scene choked me up too.  I wasn't as devastated as I was with the story of little Cole, but I couldn't help feeling for this family.  These tiny children aren't playing with their toys Santa brought.  They aren't deliberating over what they'll wear today, or which friend they'll have a play date with this weekend.  I guarantee if you've got the whole family involved in cherry picking aluminum cans, you aren't living in a house on the hill.

My instinct was to turn the car around.  Or at the very least park and walk down to them.  I thought I should offer them some cash (what little I had on me) or something.  I wanted to DO something.  These were two little children living off the streets.  I felt helpless in how much I wanted to help.

Instead I just thanked God I had a job to come into, a paycheck, a house, three beautiful children who are healthy and a family that supports and loves me.

It's great to be appreciative and all, but really ... I should have done something.

Last night in front of the post office a boy approached us selling candy bars.  It was to raise funds for an organization that kept kids off drugs and out of gangs.  The candy bars were $3 a piece and no larger than a typical Hershey's bar.  Dia and I said no thank you once we heard the price.  He apologized "Yeah, I know." he said, "They raise the price way up."  With that we walked away.  But as I was getting Dia in the car I glanced back and watched him settle down on the curb. I thought "Just go give him a dollar."  My next set of thoughts were that he might not be able to just take a dollar, that maybe he'd just keep it, that maybe he had to settle his till and that would throw his balance off ... all kinds of stupid ridiculous scenarios.  I didn't give him a dollar.  I just drove away.

I should have given him the freaking dollar.  If he couldn't take it, then fine, he'd refuse it.  The worst that could have happened there is that I'd have felt sad and would have ended up with an overpriced candy bar.  Jeez... THAT is what stopped me from doing what the little angel on my shoulder said was the right thing?  Am I really that much of a coward?

And I should have turned around today and offered the family some cash.  Instead I worried that they might not speak English, or they might not understand, or they might be offended because they are doing legitimate work and getting paid for it after all.  OK, so what?  No, I don't want to hurt anyone's pride, but there are children involved here.  The adults would have survived an insult if that's how they took it.  And to be honest, maybe it was my pride I was more concerned with.  Maybe I was worried I would get snubbed and I'd have to get back in my little car and go to work somewhat embarrassed.  If that's the worst case scenario on that one, again, I chose wrong.

I can't cure cancer, damnit.  I can't relieve poverty.  I can't save all the kids out there that go astray.  I don't have the education or the resources.  But that shouldn't stop me from doing what I can.  What I can do is donate to the research as I have it to give.  What I can do is buy a Transformers card and send it to a child that I pray so hard sees his 5th birthday - and his 6th and 7th.  What I can do is send a care package to a friend because it might make her happy.  Do I want to do more?  Yes.  Absolutely.  But something is so much better than nothing.

What is it that my boss says?  "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good."  Indeed.

kec

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Going Somewhere

I once was given the book “Are You the One for Me? Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong” by Barbara DeAngelis, PhD.  It was a gift from a friend who meant well.  I took it with me on a trip for my in-flight reading, but when I got to the part where the book read “I hope this book will support you in getting clear about whether your relationship is right for you, so you don’t waste time and energy on a relationship that won’t work, “ my brain just starting running.  I never gave the book the benefit of a doubt.  I never thought that by “won’t work” she didn’t truly mean the F word (forever) and I ended up tossing the book in the trash.

I checked it out a little on Amazon just now and I wish I had given it more of an open mind.  I really think what the author was saying was valid and that she wasn’t pushing an agenda towards marriage.   Back in 1993, though, when I received that book I was getting a lot of pressure from friends who knew the relationship I was in and knew that it didn’t seem likely to end in marriage.  I was pretty sensitive about their comments and pretty incensed about the thought pattern behind them.  In fact, in a journal entry I wrote:

“Society really needs to lay off this kick that you have to find someone and settle down and live your life with them or [otherwise] it’s not a valid period in your life.  No one should give advice to a couple who is enjoying each other and loving each other, but who know (so far) that they won’t marry each other, to break it off.  It’s not a waste, nor is it stupid, nor is it a mistake – it’s simply loving a person...  That’s not wrong if it’s reciprocated.  What better way can we live …?”

Back in 1993, I was probably venting because I was constantly fielding questions about where I was going in my relationship.  I’m sure everyone can relate to what I’m talking about here.  The barrage of questions:  “How long have you been dating?” followed by “When are you getting married” followed by any number of criticisms if that isn’t answered definitively.  (And for the married folks, we all know that doesn’t solve the issue as the ol’ “When are you having kids” comes in shortly after the ceremony.)

The reason I still stand by my 1993 opinion is that anything else is honestly faulty logic.  The perpetuation of this stupid societal rule – that a relationship is failed if it does not move forward formally – makes turmoil in and of itself.  Follow me on this:  

We stay in relationships long past their expiration date because otherwise we are considered failures.  If a relationship doesn’t last forever it is deemed a ‘failed’ one.

What kind of pressure is that?  Could you imagine a world where everything you did had to last forever or it was a failed attempt?  

In 2007 I left UNX.  It was the only place I’d worked since moving to California.  It was the longest I’d ever worked anywhere.  Over the years, the company had changed, the faces had changed and the environment had changed.  I missed the early days when we were sillier and livelier and closer personally.  I missed the start-up culture and its no-rules world and was always sad to see it replaced with a very corporate policy.  Yet, I still loved it.  I still loved what I did and UNX was still happy with my work.  So I stayed until I had Dia and needed a work-from-home situation.  I was provided one and, not without sorrow, left the old job.  I was sad.  They were sad too.  Yet I can still get great recommendations from them and everyone understood that life had just changed.  There were no hard feelings - we’d both grown in different ways over 7 years and we didn’t fit anymore.  It’s a transition.  It’s melancholy, bittersweet and difficult, but no one wrecked themselves to try to make something last forever that shouldn’t have been.

If UNX were my man, though… the story would be different.  For this example, let’s call UNX “Sam.”  

Sam and I starting dating while I lived in Indy, but he lived in Burbank.  When we got serious, the long distance proved too much, so a decision had to be made.  I moved my whole family to California to accommodate him.  It was great at first.  I was needed and loved and cared for, as was he.  But then he began to change as his career took off.  He became more serious and more regimented.  That didn’t fit so well with me but I adapted.  But eventually I found something I was passionate about that his rules and schedule made too confining.  Now THIS is where the story would be different with Sam instead of UNX.  If I left Sam at this point, then it would be a failed relationship.  Even if I left while we were still friendly, it would be a failed relationship (maybe even more so if we were still friendly because someone didn’t try hard enough).  Even if we were both sad and perhaps had had a few passionate discussions, but maturely conceded that we were growing in different directions – it would STILL be a failed relationship.

So instead, the story would have ended with me desperately trying to convince Sam to love me, to compromise on his rules, to bring back the silly, irreverent times.  Sam, would in turn, either snub my pleas or explain to me that life changes and I must grow up and roll with it or maybe even make promises that he would change.  But life had changed around us and there wasn’t a way to make time go in reverse.  It wasn’t that we’d forgotten what was great about each other and just needed a reminder; it was that we were truly living different lives.  So, if UNX were Sam, we would have stayed and stayed and stayed just to avoid failure.  And in the end, we would have fought and cried and ruined parts of each other’s lives.  We would have only given up when it was finally so bad that we couldn’t take another day.

And THAT is what this stupid mindset does to us.  It makes us feel like failures and it makes us put too much stock in something that we either don't have yet or in something that doesn't fit anymore.  So if your friends have been dating awhile and they haven’t announced that it’s ‘going somewhere,’ don’t ask. Let them be happy where they are right now.  If you are in a relationship that has reached its expiration, don’t stay for fear of what the neighbors would say.  You are going to end up in the same place anyway and there's going to be way too many tears shed to get there.  And if you are in a relationship and you are loving each other well whether you are married, living together, dating casually or even friends with benefits – let it be.  If it’s meant to move on, it will.  Even if society won’t ease up on the pressure of when your next big step is, give yourself permission to ignore them.  Love each other well. in this moment. as is.    After all, that’s all we can really guarantee anyway.