I once was given the book “Are You the One for Me? Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong” by Barbara DeAngelis, PhD. It was a gift from a friend who meant well. I took it with me on a trip for my in-flight reading, but when I got to the part where the book read “I hope this book will support you in getting clear about whether your relationship is right for you, so you don’t waste time and energy on a relationship that won’t work, “ my brain just starting running. I never gave the book the benefit of a doubt. I never thought that by “won’t work” she didn’t truly mean the F word (forever) and I ended up tossing the book in the trash.
I checked it out a little on Amazon just now and I wish I had given it more of an open mind. I really think what the author was saying was valid and that she wasn’t pushing an agenda towards marriage. Back in 1993, though, when I received that book I was getting a lot of pressure from friends who knew the relationship I was in and knew that it didn’t seem likely to end in marriage. I was pretty sensitive about their comments and pretty incensed about the thought pattern behind them. In fact, in a journal entry I wrote:
“Society really needs to lay off this kick that you have to find someone and settle down and live your life with them or [otherwise] it’s not a valid period in your life. No one should give advice to a couple who is enjoying each other and loving each other, but who know (so far) that they won’t marry each other, to break it off. It’s not a waste, nor is it stupid, nor is it a mistake – it’s simply loving a person... That’s not wrong if it’s reciprocated. What better way can we live …?”
Back in 1993, I was probably venting because I was constantly fielding questions about where I was going in my relationship. I’m sure everyone can relate to what I’m talking about here. The barrage of questions: “How long have you been dating?” followed by “When are you getting married” followed by any number of criticisms if that isn’t answered definitively. (And for the married folks, we all know that doesn’t solve the issue as the ol’ “When are you having kids” comes in shortly after the ceremony.)
The reason I still stand by my 1993 opinion is that anything else is honestly faulty logic. The perpetuation of this stupid societal rule – that a relationship is failed if it does not move forward formally – makes turmoil in and of itself. Follow me on this:
We stay in relationships long past their expiration date because otherwise we are considered failures. If a relationship doesn’t last forever it is deemed a ‘failed’ one.
What kind of pressure is that? Could you imagine a world where everything you did had to last forever or it was a failed attempt?
In 2007 I left UNX. It was the only place I’d worked since moving to California. It was the longest I’d ever worked anywhere. Over the years, the company had changed, the faces had changed and the environment had changed. I missed the early days when we were sillier and livelier and closer personally. I missed the start-up culture and its no-rules world and was always sad to see it replaced with a very corporate policy. Yet, I still loved it. I still loved what I did and UNX was still happy with my work. So I stayed until I had Dia and needed a work-from-home situation. I was provided one and, not without sorrow, left the old job. I was sad. They were sad too. Yet I can still get great recommendations from them and everyone understood that life had just changed. There were no hard feelings - we’d both grown in different ways over 7 years and we didn’t fit anymore. It’s a transition. It’s melancholy, bittersweet and difficult, but no one wrecked themselves to try to make something last forever that shouldn’t have been.
If UNX were my man, though… the story would be different. For this example, let’s call UNX “Sam.”
Sam and I starting dating while I lived in Indy, but he lived in Burbank. When we got serious, the long distance proved too much, so a decision had to be made. I moved my whole family to California to accommodate him. It was great at first. I was needed and loved and cared for, as was he. But then he began to change as his career took off. He became more serious and more regimented. That didn’t fit so well with me but I adapted. But eventually I found something I was passionate about that his rules and schedule made too confining. Now THIS is where the story would be different with Sam instead of UNX. If I left Sam at this point, then it would be a failed relationship. Even if I left while we were still friendly, it would be a failed relationship (maybe even more so if we were still friendly because someone didn’t try hard enough). Even if we were both sad and perhaps had had a few passionate discussions, but maturely conceded that we were growing in different directions – it would STILL be a failed relationship.
So instead, the story would have ended with me desperately trying to convince Sam to love me, to compromise on his rules, to bring back the silly, irreverent times. Sam, would in turn, either snub my pleas or explain to me that life changes and I must grow up and roll with it or maybe even make promises that he would change. But life had changed around us and there wasn’t a way to make time go in reverse. It wasn’t that we’d forgotten what was great about each other and just needed a reminder; it was that we were truly living different lives. So, if UNX were Sam, we would have stayed and stayed and stayed just to avoid failure. And in the end, we would have fought and cried and ruined parts of each other’s lives. We would have only given up when it was finally so bad that we couldn’t take another day.
And THAT is what this stupid mindset does to us. It makes us feel like failures and it makes us put too much stock in something that we either don't have yet or in something that doesn't fit anymore. So if your friends have been dating awhile and they haven’t announced that it’s ‘going somewhere,’ don’t ask. Let them be happy where they are right now. If you are in a relationship that has reached its expiration, don’t stay for fear of what the neighbors would say. You are going to end up in the same place anyway and there's going to be way too many tears shed to get there. And if you are in a relationship and you are loving each other well whether you are married, living together, dating casually or even friends with benefits – let it be. If it’s meant to move on, it will. Even if society won’t ease up on the pressure of when your next big step is, give yourself permission to ignore them. Love each other well. in this moment. as is. After all, that’s all we can really guarantee anyway.
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