My captives are a 5 year old human, a decrepit urine-soaked dog, a scowling cat with a tendency toward ill-timed hairballs and two parakeets with particularly finicky stomachs requiring brutally expensive seed. Together they require me to tend to their every need and whim all while earning income enough to keep them all fed, housed and comforted to their hearts' content.
I’m pretty sure the small child is the ringleader. She defends the animals with ridiculous vengeance and controls all the electronic equipment, particularly the television remote. I believe this is a part of an elaborate brainwashing scheme. For five years I’ve been exposed only to preschool shows, Disney movies and late night television.
She is also versed in sleep deprivation torture. I believe she has somehow transferred her night waking to the dog. Five short months ago she finally began sleeping through the night allowing me the same privilege, only to now have my sleep interrupted at least twice each night in order to tend to the senile canine.
Do not call the cops. I repeat: NO COPS!! They are in cahoots with my captives and further they run up exorbitant bills and leave me with the tab.
Please send reinforcements. Cash is accepted. Large bills are welcome. Please do not send gift certificates without first negotiating a furlough and a babysitter. Also useful would be a nanny along the lines of Mary Poppins, a kilo of patchouli incense and a zookeeper (preferably one that is male, single, tall, handsome and unbearably witty and if he happens to resemble Vin Diesel with a British accent, all the better).
– must dash… The ringleader seems to be growing bored with Nick Jr. and I fear for my safety if I’m caught.
Oh No! no! aaahhh - she's taking the computer over! dddddddddddddddww444xdsrrgi8uklok
(I'm sure that's code that only the dog can decipher...)
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