Dear God

Hello, God.  It’s me, Katie.  Your humble servant.  

 … What?  Oh, yeah, OK – um, about that.   I will try to watch my language more.  Yes, yes, that’s true. Two of my three children have uttered “JeZUS Cuh-rist” in frustration before the age of 5.  Guilty.  Sorry about that.

… What?  Oh, right…  but that was a long time ago, God.  Surely we’d let bygones be bygones by now, wouldn’t we?  …. What?  Oh, yes there is that bit in the Lord’s Prayer about “forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  Yes, that DOES sound like a conditional thing now that you mention it.  

… What?  Oh, well, yes, I suppose that could be considered unforgiving of me but …. 

Yes, Sir.  I will try harder.

But can we get back to why I came here today?  I was just going to say that I don’t ask for much, God, and I was wondering if … 

... What?  Oh, well, yes, I DID ask for that.  Yes, that was a big one.  She is wonderful and makes me very happy.  Thank you so very much.  Have I not thanked you for her lately?   Oh, whew, good to know I did THAT right.

... What?  Oh, sorry, you are right that was kind of sarcastic.  You think I’m too sarcastic?  Well, I don’t know that … 

... What?  Yes, yes, that’s true.  Dia has learned how to use the word “NOT!” after her satiric remarks, but that’s not so bad, really  - is it?  …. Oh, yes I suppose that's true.  I will try harder on that one too.

But, really, I was just going to say that I really AM ever so grateful for this life of mine.  I know I’ve mentioned this before but I really love what you’ve done with the place.  It’s quite amazing, this earth we live on.  I have to give you a BIG virtual hug on letting me move away from Indiana.  It’s pretty awful, God, you might want to put someone on that.

…What?  Oh, right, I’ll let you do your job.  Yes Sir, I do think you probably know what you are doing.  I was just saying … 

... What?  Yes, I suppose that COULD be considered judgmental on my part, but I … 

... What?  Yes, Sir, I suppose we should save the judging for you.  I will try harder, Sir.

OK, but as I was saying – I really do appreciate your work.  And I have to say "thank you" a thousand times over for my family, especially the kids, God.  They have been more to me than I could have ever dreamed.  Also, thank you for my friends, my job, my home, my health and – well, I’m pretty sure you are a great mind-reader so you probably know everything already – but you have set me up pretty well in this life.  I’m genuinely appreciative.  I know how bad things can be and I don’t deal with anything much, really, in the scheme of things.  That never goes unnoticed and I want you to know that I owe you big for it.

… What?  Yes, you can quote me on that.  

But I was wondering…  is it wrong to ask for more when you have so much?  

… What?  Oh, of course, I understand the answer might be “no.”   OK, with that in mind, here’s what I’m thinking – could you create and/or send me a man with the following:  Looks like Vin Diesel or Stephen Colbert … 

... What?  Yes, Sir, I do understand those two have no common features.   Yes, Sir, I suppose I have been told I was weird before.

ANYway – yes, so he should look like Vin Diesel or Stephen Colbert, he should have the humor of Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert or either of the two guys from The Upside Down Show; he should love my family and particularly my kids; he should have no obsessive tendencies; also he should have his own money but without being a workaholic; he should be between 44 and 49 years old and in perfect health but without extreme exercise regiments or food rules; yes – and on that – he must eat like a real person – you know, butter and real cheese and heavy cream when it calls for it; um… what else???  

 … What?  Yes, I DO know we are already on the verge of the “No” answer but I’m on a roll.   

What was it I used to say?  I want a man who, when he sees I had a bad day, picks me up into his arms and strokes my hair telling me all will be just fine while he carefully moves onto the tile so that the blood from the gunshot wound he’s nursing doesn’t stain the carpet.  You know, like at the end of Bruce Willis movies.  

 … What?  No, God, I suppose that isn’t very realistic.  

 … What?  Yes, I have considered that my expectations might be a little high.  

 … What?  Yes, Sir, I did thank you for my job, why?  Oh, right.  Yes, Sir.  I won’t give up my day job.  Thank you for that advice.  I'll get back to work now.

Amen