But right now there is a ton of problems with that.
Issue 1: I gotta' be honest with myself: I might only want new love. Romantic love doesn’t stay happy for the long haul. OK, in fairness, I have seen it here and there, or at least I know couples who put up a good public persona, but it’s just never worked for me. Eventually I always feel like I’m not just compromising things to make it work, I’m compromising ME. Maybe I'm twelve types of selfish and only viewing this through that filter, but historically it has always felt like I'm the one that has to chop off big parts of who I am to keep "us" happy.
I also hate the taking for granted part. Like hate, hate, hate it. Truly despise it. I saw a little saying once “Take for better or for worse, but never for granted.” I think I’ll tattoo that on my forehead if I ever get in a serious relationship again.
Issue 2: I may have stopped believing in love at all. Or at least in the way I need it. Specifically: I may have stopped believing that someone could make my life better than it is now. Salt on my potato I used to call it. Perhaps this is a symptom of how great my life is these days and that’s certainly not something to complain about! I’ve said on more than one occasion that I’m more blessed than a person has a right to be. So asking for more just seems greedy, doesn’t it? But that’s where I stand. I don’t want a man for the sake of having a plus one or whatever. I want to feel like life is better because he exists in it. Back to Issue #1, new love certainly feels that way, but over the long haul I have yet to experience that life-is-better feeling persisting for very long (mostly due to Issue #3 below).
Issue 3: No offense to the sane gentlemen out there, but too often the divorced or never married men my age come with cargo planes worth of untreated baggage. I once wanted to be a therapist for a living, but I passed on that long ago. There’s no part of me that wants to be an in-home version of that. I definitely do not feel like paying for the crap some ex-woman put them through. Now, before you go hating me, I’m not saying it’s even possible to get to adulthood without more than a carry-on. I’m simply saying that more people should consult a psychologist at some point in their life. The process of dealing with your scars is underrated and under-utilized and nowhere near as scary as folks think it will be. At the very least it gets the baggage into a more portable suitcase.
Issue 4: It feels like love is for the young. Are people over 45 ever depicted in ads/videos/movies falling madly in love? (I can think of, like, 2 movies.) No sir. Love is a youth-oriented industry and I feel like I’m way past that expiration date.
Issue 5: No romantic love will ever compare with the love I have for my kids. I had Tim way too young and fell way too in love and the only love I’ve felt on par with that since were for my two daughters. Now I've obviously been in love and intensely at that, but I know that even at love's best it will never be what a mother feels for her children. At this point in my life if it doesn’t come somewhere near that, how will I find the energy necessary to cultivate a new relationship and the incentive to put the work in to maintain it?
Issue 6: This is simply logistics. Where and how the hell can I even meet someone in my current world? I work mostly from home. The online dating scene is not an option for me. I don’t have any extra-curricular activities and I don’t plan on adding them for a while. This is a problem I’m creating for myself for sure, but I have this beautiful hindsight in knowing just exactly how fast Dia’s childhood is going to fly by. I don’t really want to miss more of her life than I already am while I’m at work and, besides, all my babysitting budget is used up for the aforementioned job anyway. So, my Prince Charming will have to fall in love with me at the zoo or the park or the museum, Dia in tow. What’re the chances?
BUT… before you go all psychoanalytical on me here, I should assure you that this void I feel generally occurs only after viewing a romantic comedy (which should be banned anyway). My life is so filled up with love that asking for more is almost ridiculous. But there are aspects of romantic love that my family and friends cannot fill, so I definitely want to have that love someday.
Honestly, I have this feeling that it will happen. I’ve lived too long and paid attention too much to not know that Divine Timing is much smarter than my timing. As I’ve just admitted, I don’t really have the logistical ability nor the motivation at this time to jump into a relationship and be a good partner anyway. Soon enough, though, I will be. And then? I’ll have dispelled all these doubts; I’ll believe in love again, and we will live happily ever after.
May you all love and be loved exactly as you need it. (And I hope you find yourself disagreeing with me on most of my points because that would mean you've already met your Princess or Prince Charming.)
- KEC
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