The Importance of a Father

She came to me the other night.  There was a look on her face far too serious for her young years.

“Mommy?” she began.  Immediately I knew something was wrong.  She never calls me ‘mommy.’

“What’s up love?”

“Maybe I’m just tired, but I’m feeling really sad for some reason.”

I sat down with her on the couch and snuggled with her.  “Want to talk to me about it?” I asked.

Dia in Daddy's hat, a long, long time ago

She was quiet for a while.  She just curled into me and let me hold her.  Eventually she talked about some bad dreams she’s been having that are inspired by the water stain in my ceiling (thanks to an old leak in the neighbor’s roof).  She calls it ‘the hole’ and she said she’s beginning to see faces in it and has dreams that a giant snake comes out of it and tries to eat her.  I promised her that first, it’s not a hole and nothing can come in or out of it and, second, that I would call Orlando and have him paint over that as soon as we got back from our trip.  She seemed happy with that and sat quietly again for a minute.

Then she said it.

“Mommy?”  (there’s that name again…)  “I wish I had a dad.”


So there it was.  For six years I’ve been assuring myself and everyone else that our situation is fine.  I’ve been smiling and saying that this is all Dia knows and she’s fine with it.  So rather than pestering her father or reminding him that she’s still here and he probably should visit, I just let it go.  Anyway historically when I’ve called him out short on his parenting, or lack thereof, he gets furious.  Don't misunderstand - even though I’m completely guilty for always wanting to avoid confrontation, I would fight a rabid mountain lion for my kids.  So it wasn't his fury that I wanted to avoid as much as the fact that I just felt this fight wasn’t worth it.  Nothing was going to change. 

But now my little girl tells me that she wants a dad.  Assuring her that she already has one is not only asinine, but also somewhat disrespectful.  That mere fact wasn’t what she meant.  She explained she wanted someone to stay with her if I was gone, not like a nanny, but someone to be with her so I could go to the grocery or the gym without her.  All her friends, she explained, had a mom and a dad. Together. In the same house.

All I could do was sit there, holding her, wishing that for her too.

Oh, I know this isn’t about me, because it so isn’t, but I feel horribly guilty.  Why on earth did I do that to her?  To Tim and Chey too?  Why can’t I just suck it up and stay in a relationship so that my kids can have a normal childhood?  So their hearts don’t cry for someone they should, in all rights, have.  And I don’t just get divorced.  No, that would be under-achieving.  The two dads I picked for my kids wanted so excruciatingly badly to have a life completely different from the one they shared with me and cleave so wholly to their new wives and lives, that they distanced themselves equally as wholly from the kids we had together.

I don't mean to sound like a victim because I'm absolutely not, but I'm not sure that I could say the same for my kids.  They most certainly are victim to my poor choices or at least my inability to tolerate pretty much anything bad in a relationship.  And the worst part is, that unlike ‘the hole’ that I can have Orlando come and paint over, this hole… the dad sized one … well, I can’t make that better.

Prop 8.1.0 - New Release (bug fix)

Assumption #1 – There is no gray area.  Right is right and wrong is wrong.

Assumption #2 – The stance against gay marriage is because being gay is a sin.

*****************************

OK.  Let’s say I am gay and have been with the same woman for 20 years now.  We have never cheated on each other.

 

Let's also assume that because God has said my being gay is sinful, I cannot marry my partner.  Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman and cannot be entered into in a sinful state.  So, the church will not marry us.

Well, that is most definitely the church’s prerogative.  

But while other couples can marry at the court house, or on a cruise ship, or drunk in Vegas I cannot be married at all.  

I have to admit I’m unclear on why this is so, unless the government has agreed that being gay is a bad thing.

Truth of the matter is, the government has accepted many “Christian” laws into its legislation, thereby concurring with the church (in a way).  While keeping the Sabbath (commandment #4) and not taking the Lord’s name in vain (#3) skipped legislation, thou shalt not kill (#6) and thou shalt not steal (#8) made it in.  

And, again, while we don’t practice legislative punishment when we don’t honor our mother and father (#5), I think we can all agree that killing is bad, stealing is bad and we even have laws against falsely accusing people (#9).

No one in their right American mind would publicly admit to breaking commandments 1 or 2 (worshipping more than one god or statues).  And thank God (um…) that we don’t get punished legislatively for envying our neighbor’s stuff (#10).  Talk about overcrowding the prison system.

Yet there’s one commandment – the one wedged between Sacred Rules 6 and 8 – that I haven’t mentioned yet.  That is commandment #7.  Thou shalt not commit adultery.  

Referring back to Assumption #1, it would go to follow that cheating on your spouse is wrong.  I think, socially, most of us feel that is correct.  

Referring back to Assumption #2, the stance against marriage with or by adulterers is because adultery is a sin.  Right?  Oh wait, we don't have that stance.

Now I’m not sure if this is one of the commandments that we let slide a little bit, (like the Sabbath and the mom and dad thing), but I would hate to think that there is a loop hole in there that allows that as long as we cheat on our spouse with someone of the opposite sex and we seek counseling or forgiveness or anyway never get caught by our wife (or husband as the case may be) we are not violating the sacred institution of marriage.  No.  That isn't the case.  I think it’s fair to say that the church still feels strongly on matters of adultery.

The government?  Well, because it’s a private thing, we don’t throw you in jail for it - but there are other punitive consequences – at least in the states that don’t practice no-fault divorces.  In those states the partner that cheated could easily lose their house, perhaps have their bank account wiped out but regardless will bear the brunt of the divorce. 

Therefore I can assume, since the divorce isn’t performed by the church that, in the case of adultery, the government agrees that it’s a punishable sin.

So if both the church and the government agree that this is wrong, then why can adulterers marry?

If you have cheated I propose that your current marriage license gets annulled by the state and you never get to marry again.  I think that’s fair.  You are a sinner.  It’s no longer your right to enter into the institution of marriage.  Kind of like how felons can’t vote in some states. 

So I want to see Prop 8.1.0 on the ballots this November.  It should be a painfully written bill filled with double negatives and confusing text that ultimately adds a new provision to the Declaration of Rights to state constitutions which provides that "only marriage between a loyal man and a faithful woman is valid or recognized.”

I’m Katie Cameron and I approve this message.

*************************************

Disclaimer #1 – This is not in direct response to the Chick-fil-A nonsense.  I don’t particularly care about them. Food wise - I have only eaten there once (about 25 years ago now) and I found their food mediocre at best.  I knew they were Prop 8 supporters in 2008 and had I considered their food worth a revisit then, their political stance shooed me away.  Regardless, they are not publicly traded and it’s their right to speak (however ridiculous they sound).

Disclaimer #2 –  (While we are on the subject) I refuse to believe that everyone who supported the restaurant yesterday did so because they wish to discriminate against gay people.  I’m hoping, at least, that there are some Christians who, for whatever reason, feel it necessary to defend Christianity and show their support of a company that waves their Jesus flag openly. 

Disclaimer #3 - I am not gay and I have never had a romantic relationship last 20 years.

Aurora

It is profoundly profound and unspeakably devastating.  The world should stop for a minute.  We should all stop for a minute and feel this.  It’s unimaginable.  It’s insane.  It’s inconceivable.  Yet it occurred.  It wasn’t an act of terrorism outside our own borders.  It wasn’t a nefarious religious cult.  It was a lone neuroscience student.  A young man pursuing an advanced degree.  The whole world was ahead of him and yet… something snapped.  And in that moment, or as a result of it, fans of a comic book hero who with such eager enthusiasm lined up to be the first to see the latest installation of their imaginary world had a very real and very terrible turn.

Our reactions are across the board.  We each experience a form of grief no matter how close to our own hearts or lives this truly touches us.  Perhaps we blame the parents, the system, the bullies that picked on him, or one of the thousand reasons that someone could go down a path so very, very wrong.

  

We are left terrified and vulnerable.  These tragedies can take place anywhere and at any time so we pull each other near, count heads and account for loved ones.  We might take a moment to thank God it wasn’t us, it wasn’t our child, it wasn’t our friend.  We feel sad, scared, outraged …something… for a moment and perhaps take the time to voice that emotion as I suppose I am doing here.  And then… in a day or two … we put it out of our minds.  We go on back to our lives living them just exactly as before.  We send our kids to school without a prayer that a gunman won’t enter the grounds.  We take ourselves to the movies without an exit plan should an attack be waged.  We shop, we drive, we work, we live ... and in our prayers, should we have them, we rarely ask God to protect us from well-armed men nor thank Him that we are home safe and sound.

The real victims, though?  Well, they won’t be going back to life as it was before.  If they were spared their lives at all nothing will ever be the same.  As I said, it’s unimaginable.  They have had their world permanently affected.  They will bear these scars until their end.

I have no answers – no solutions – no arms to take up to prevent against the horror of an event like this. And while it’s hard for me to hear defenders of our constitutional rights to bear arms to bristle against those of us that understand all too well that guns really do kill people, it’s not time for that conversation either.  The only palpable thing we can do in hopes of preventing such atrocities, or to comfort those who have suffered, or to ease our own fears is to show compassion.  To everyone.  Rather than instilling fear and suspicion, we can encourage our children to love first and judge never.  We can teach them understanding of others, tolerance of diversity (if not a love of it) and perhaps to reach out a hand to those who seem alone or alienated in the hopes that that one act of kindness could be just enough to make a real difference.

May God bless and comfort us all.

Letters to the Inanimate

Dear Drawstring Waistband:

I know you think you’re all adaptable and helpful and whatnot, but the truth is you – like so many of your type (i.e. ‘clothing’) – just make the problem areas more problematic.  I do not need the extra bulk or additional pull of my shirt in that general region.  I’ll thank you to not add inches to my “is-she-pregnant-or-not” middle aged waist.  You will be banished to Goodwill.   This is not open for discussion.

With extra-large regards,

Katie

*********************************************

Dear Facebook,

I know you are too young to know this, but once upon a time when grown-up people would invite their friends over for “cocktails,” it was merely a guise so that these poor twisted souls could pull out their vacation slides and subject their soon-to- be- former friends to an unbearably dull traipse down memory lane.  This tradition was no more welcome than the fruitcake they sent for Christmas (the reference to which you are also too young to know). 

Yet without even having been dealt the original hand, you my friend, have seen them their vacation slideshows and upped them desserts.  Yes, now through the glory of your existence, each day I am bombarded with a veritable mosaic of vegan cupcakes, frou-frou cocktails, artisan sandwiches and the results of well-intentioned grill masters. 

I have noticed that you have created filters that I can employ to avoid viewing every move my friends make in their casual gaming.  I am formally requesting that you please install a food filter with your next release.  Also please create a filter for stupid cat photos.  Who wants to see a gray kitten attacking a plush Yoda toy or holding a remote control?  That is worse than the vegan cupcakes.

With most hypocritical sincerity,

Katie

*********************************************

Dear Cargo Bermuda Shorts,

A full length mirror at the end of the hall just told me that, when I walk, you crease in just the wrong spot.  I am horrified to realize I’ve been walking around all day looking like I have camel toe.  You will join the drawstring waistband clothing in the Goodwill bag.  Maybe.  You might just go in the trash.  I’m too angry to make the decision right now.  I’ll have to sleep on it.

No longer yours,

Katie

    

Changing the World One Child at a Time

Just in case you feel downhearted, just in case you feel that there's no more good in this world, just in case you believe that people are mean, bitter and spiteful, I present to you:  HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!  These kids are changing the world and our future looks good, folks.  Here's a glimpse at the world in 10-20 years:

Altruism is alive,

and we stand up against hate

and there's even a potential cure for cancer!

I'm proud of these children and I'm proud of all the children who know that, one at time, we really can change the world.  Have faith and remember no gesture is too small to make a positive change.

The future's so bright, I gotta' wear shades.

- KEC