She came to me the other night. There was a look on her face far too serious for her young years.
“Mommy?” she began. Immediately I knew something was wrong. She never calls me ‘mommy.’
“What’s up love?”
“Maybe I’m just tired, but I’m feeling really sad for some reason.”
I sat down with her on the couch and snuggled with her. “Want to talk to me about it?” I asked.
She was quiet for a while. She just curled into me and let me hold her. Eventually she talked about some bad dreams she’s been having that are inspired by the water stain in my ceiling (thanks to an old leak in the neighbor’s roof). She calls it ‘the hole’ and she said she’s beginning to see faces in it and has dreams that a giant snake comes out of it and tries to eat her. I promised her that first, it’s not a hole and nothing can come in or out of it and, second, that I would call Orlando and have him paint over that as soon as we got back from our trip. She seemed happy with that and sat quietly again for a minute.
Then she said it.
“Mommy?” (there’s that name again…) “I wish I had a dad.”
So there it was. For six years I’ve been assuring myself and everyone else that our situation is fine. I’ve been smiling and saying that this is all Dia knows and she’s fine with it. So rather than pestering her father or reminding him that she’s still here and he probably should visit, I just let it go. Anyway historically when I’ve called him out short on his parenting, or lack thereof, he gets furious. Don't misunderstand - even though I’m completely guilty for always wanting to avoid confrontation, I would fight a rabid mountain lion for my kids. So it wasn't his fury that I wanted to avoid as much as the fact that I just felt this fight wasn’t worth it. Nothing was going to change.
But now my little girl tells me that she wants a dad. Assuring her that she already has one is not only asinine, but also somewhat disrespectful. That mere fact wasn’t what she meant. She explained she wanted someone to stay with her if I was gone, not like a nanny, but someone to be with her so I could go to the grocery or the gym without her. All her friends, she explained, had a mom and a dad. Together. In the same house.
All I could do was sit there, holding her, wishing that for her too.
Oh, I know this isn’t about me, because it so isn’t, but I feel horribly guilty. Why on earth did I do that to her? To Tim and Chey too? Why can’t I just suck it up and stay in a relationship so that my kids can have a normal childhood? So their hearts don’t cry for someone they should, in all rights, have. And I don’t just get divorced. No, that would be under-achieving. The two dads I picked for my kids wanted so excruciatingly badly to have a life completely different from the one they shared with me and cleave so wholly to their new wives and lives, that they distanced themselves equally as wholly from the kids we had together.
I don't mean to sound like a victim because I'm absolutely not, but I'm not sure that I could say the same for my kids. They most certainly are victim to my poor choices or at least my inability to tolerate pretty much anything bad in a relationship. And the worst part is, that unlike ‘the hole’ that I can have Orlando come and paint over, this hole… the dad sized one … well, I can’t make that better.
“Mommy?” she began. Immediately I knew something was wrong. She never calls me ‘mommy.’
“What’s up love?”
“Maybe I’m just tired, but I’m feeling really sad for some reason.”
I sat down with her on the couch and snuggled with her. “Want to talk to me about it?” I asked.
 |
| Dia in Daddy's hat, a long, long time ago |
Then she said it.
“Mommy?” (there’s that name again…) “I wish I had a dad.”
So there it was. For six years I’ve been assuring myself and everyone else that our situation is fine. I’ve been smiling and saying that this is all Dia knows and she’s fine with it. So rather than pestering her father or reminding him that she’s still here and he probably should visit, I just let it go. Anyway historically when I’ve called him out short on his parenting, or lack thereof, he gets furious. Don't misunderstand - even though I’m completely guilty for always wanting to avoid confrontation, I would fight a rabid mountain lion for my kids. So it wasn't his fury that I wanted to avoid as much as the fact that I just felt this fight wasn’t worth it. Nothing was going to change.
But now my little girl tells me that she wants a dad. Assuring her that she already has one is not only asinine, but also somewhat disrespectful. That mere fact wasn’t what she meant. She explained she wanted someone to stay with her if I was gone, not like a nanny, but someone to be with her so I could go to the grocery or the gym without her. All her friends, she explained, had a mom and a dad. Together. In the same house.
All I could do was sit there, holding her, wishing that for her too.
Oh, I know this isn’t about me, because it so isn’t, but I feel horribly guilty. Why on earth did I do that to her? To Tim and Chey too? Why can’t I just suck it up and stay in a relationship so that my kids can have a normal childhood? So their hearts don’t cry for someone they should, in all rights, have. And I don’t just get divorced. No, that would be under-achieving. The two dads I picked for my kids wanted so excruciatingly badly to have a life completely different from the one they shared with me and cleave so wholly to their new wives and lives, that they distanced themselves equally as wholly from the kids we had together.
I don't mean to sound like a victim because I'm absolutely not, but I'm not sure that I could say the same for my kids. They most certainly are victim to my poor choices or at least my inability to tolerate pretty much anything bad in a relationship. And the worst part is, that unlike ‘the hole’ that I can have Orlando come and paint over, this hole… the dad sized one … well, I can’t make that better.
I have a daddy hole - had it for oh about 36 years - and honestly I dont blame it on my mom or the choices SHE made . . . I blame him for the choices HE made. Although my mom is not the amazing mother that you are, she chose what was best for me and my brother and I applaud her for that. I know that you can't make it better, god knows I wish I could for myself and for my Alli, but you can be there for Dia when she has moments like this one. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steph. Coming from you it meant all that much more. I knew you'd know...
DeleteHaving been through this situation it sounds like exactly the same number of times you have, I feel qualified to say:
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing.
It doesn't mean you didn't make mistakes -- I did, too. Mine included not knowing myself well enough to know what I wanted and needed, and especially what I deserved. And so because I didn't know any better, I got myself into two relationships that were horrible.
But leaving? That was not a mistake. Not for me, and it sounds like not for you, either. It is sad that our kids are "victims" to our mistakes -- the mistake of making children with men who were not right for us to make children with -- but without those mistakes, those kids wouldn't exist.
It's not that I don't struggle with feeling selfish sometimes for ending the bad marriages. And it's true that my kids are sad at the way things are. But don't make the mistake of assuming there wouldn't be things to be sad about if you had stayed together, either. My son used to be sad that I was always so tired and emotionally unavailable for him -- and I was those things because I was exhausted from trying to carry a marriage that wasn't working and never would. It hurts me to watch my kids be sad their dad isn't around much, but I know with 100% certainty I'm a 5000% better mom than I was when he was around. And, frankly, just because he was around didn't mean he was an involved father...his choices since we've split make it pretty evident how committed he ever felt to his kids (which was not very).
You chose to end the marriages, but their fathers chose to end their close relationships with their kids. Don't take that burden on yourself, because it's not yours to carry. They could still be active, involved dads...they choose not to. And it's not your responsibility in any way, shape or form to try to force them into it.
I'm sorry you're hurting, though, and that your daughter is, too. But rest assured that a happy mom is a better mom, and as we all do, you did the best you could, and you continue doing the best you could, and the fact that you ache for your daughter is proof positive that you're a wonderful, loving mom, and that your daughter is lucky to have you as you are.
Wow Krista. How lucky is Steph to have YOU in your life?! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you sharing this with me. Obviously we're in the same boat and having your perspective and your common sense (!) is such a treasure. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to help in any tiny way I can...I know how lonely and overwhelming it can be. <3
DeleteThis brought tears to my eyes. I know you and I know how much it must hurt to feel like there's something that you want for your children. You have to know that you were not responsible for those choices that their fathers made. How could it be your fault when you always put your children first? But I know that knowledge doesn't ease the pain you feel for your kids. You've always reacted as a loving and devoted mother should and you've always been wise, not self serving. It must crush you to hear Dia say those things, but this is what she knows. It's her life and journey and she has such a wonderful foundation with you as her mother. She could not be more surrounded by love. We all have holes that could use a little filling. Nothing better than love to fill it:)
ReplyDeleteThank you for this message, Sabra, and for being part of the love Dia receives. One thing I don't think I'll ever hear from her is "I wish I were loved." You are part of the village that loves her so much.
DeleteI know that I don't have the same experiences to draw from that others do but I thought I would chime in from the cheap seats anyway. Mostly I agree with what your other friends have written.
ReplyDeleteYou are an AMAZING Mom to Dia and she is a very lucky girl, no ifs, ands, buts, or exceptions. The reality is that it's your deep love for her that makes you feel guilty about not giving her the picture-perfect idealic family. The truth though is that the "perfect" family doesn't exist. It's part of the argument against gay marriage..... every child deserves to have a mother and father, yada, yada. The problem with that is that it ignores one very small detail, the real world. You are a great writer and I'm sure you could craft a loving, caring, respectful, and available father for Dia on paper, but that's not where Dia lives. Dia deserves to have people in her real life that love her and care for her; she has that.
I think that you are holding yourself and your family up for comparison to the "perfect" family but every person, and every family has its faults and things that they would change. Those are often the things that make people and life interesting though. Honestly if you look at a person and think, "boy, they are just perfect", chances are you've just identified a serial killer and you should notify the FBI immediately.
I think your friend Krista, above, is right, you would not be the Mom you are to Dia if you were trying to stay in a relationship that was unhealthy for you. That would have just been unhealthy for Dia as well, no matter what else. It's Dia's father's HUGE loss that he is not a part of her life. She's terrific and maybe one day he will realize that, but until then you're doing everything in your power to give her a good life, and to teach her how to be a good person. That sounds pretty perfect to me.
It may help to remind you that part of being a Mom is teaching our kids the hard stuff. Having a father who chooses not to be a part of your life is definitely part of the hard stuff. You set a good example for her by not staying in a relationship just for her, which she would surely realize. The second part is to show her how to make the best of what and who you have in your life. She has great people in her life, maybe she even considers them "family" even though they aren't biologically related. Would all of those people be in her life if you had tolerated a bad relationship for the sake of your daughter?
Besides, family isn't just biological, it's choice-based. You have friends and family around you that love you guys and will fill in the gaps whereever they can. (BTW -that's me volunteering to help out whenever you need to go the grocery store or whatever:))
You are a great Mom, don't let Dia's father's choices convince you otherwise. It's always hard not to be able to give your child something they really want but I think you give her so much more, and she will understand that as she gets older, if she doesn't already.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents for what it's worth, hang in there. Jane
If family is choice-based, I definitely choose you and yours to be in it! Thanks for this and the pep talk (and listening ear) at the gym. A dose of practical advice goes a long way and it's one of the things I love so much about you: you always have that voice of reason.
DeleteOh, I had a Dad hole too - was there till I was pregnant with Reece (for some reason, something in me healed when I became a mother myself and all of a sudden, I didn't care anymore that I wasn't - or ever had been - a Daddy's girl like so many of my friends).
ReplyDeleteBut I never, EVER blamed my mother for it - even as a child I knew, just KNEW somehow that it was his fault - and I was right. My Dad and I have a relationship now that I'm an adult but it's still very much a surface thing.....
So stop blaming yourself - I know what you're saying but by staying with someone who was toxic for you and for your kids - well, THAT would have been a crime. What you're doing NOW is brave, difficult and super healthy - for all of you.
Stay strong - and besides, her friends may all have mommies and daddies now.... but just wait till she's in like third/fourth grade... that'll change. LOL! (Sorry, couldn't resist - it's totally the case with our kids' friends) ;)
xoxo
Thanks for taking the time to comment and share your story, Renee. I never knew you ever had a Dad sized hole! You have such quality relationships today that no one would ever guess that. That fact means a lot to me because it gives me hope for my kids that they could know the quality of relationships you have.
DeleteOh and ... loved the little dig at the end (3rd/4th grade). Intensely helpful! ;)
Hi Katie,
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Dia has a hole in her heart and it will always be there, that's life. But you are there, big time, and it sounds like you've created a lovely 'family of the heart' too - those not related by blood but rather by love. We have several of those people who are our 'family of the heart' in our lives that are as important to us as our blood family. You are a terrific mom and you are helping her become the person you know she can be. That hole will probably bring her understanding and other things you don't even know yet. I have family who has a very unavailable dad to one of the three children. He favors the other two and doesn't include the one. So mean and hurtful. She is a young high school girl now and her mom has her in counseling which is helping her put that relationship in its place. At some point, it might be something you give Dia along with the constant unwavering love and support that you do every day.
You are so right - it is life, huh? I don't suppose I can bat away every bad moment or beat down every obstacle in her way. I should have learned that already honestly, but I suppose it's just the knee-jerk reaction when you love someone. Sigh... But, yes, absolutely she'll be encouraged to get counseling if she can't come to terms. I pray that helps your family too. So sad to hear of situations like that.
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