I made her go, but she was sullen and angry at me.
Then she didn't want to submit her audition tapes for two potential parts in an upcoming TV series. She was overwhelmed at the idea of memorizing all the lines. She was overwhelmed at the amount of time these parts could potentially take. She was overwhelmed at how much they could change her life. She was convinced she wouldn't get the parts anyway, so why bother.
And this isn't like her at all.
She could do this stuff in her sleep. She lives to act. She lights up more on a set or up on stage than anywhere else in her world. Her dream is to be an award-winning screenwriter and director and maybe act on the side. Plus, I've never seen my child so driven as I have when she's on set. She's focused, she's interested, she pushes through everything and anything. For God's sake -- one (very) early morning, as we were driving to set a few years ago, she got sick in the car and in between wretches she insisted that we keep going. She collected herself in the Studio parking lot (thank God I'd brought a change of clothes for her) and then, running to get to set on time, she fell in"New York City" on the sidewalk that was still under construction. She tore open her knee but picked herself up explaining that she could not be late and kept on heading for her location. The cheers of the set builders trailed after her: "Way to go!" "That girl's gonna be a star!"
So why, all of a sudden, does she feel so gloomy about it?
I had to find out, so I poked the bear. Sometimes getting your kid super mad at you is a good thing. It's like getting an adult drunk. They blurt out the truth after a bit of annoying prodding.
And the culprit? One errant comment.
Apparently, at the last theater practice one of the teachers got frustrated with the group for not being off-book yet, or not knowing the lyrics, or just generally fooling around when they should have been quiet and focused. Said teacher blurted out (something to the effect of) "The only people who know their stuff is Joe and Marcus." which Dia translated to "Dia's acting is terrible." and "Dia sucks."
You see, she flubbed her monologue earlier during practice. She had it down at home - but, for whatever reason, she lost the whole train of it during practice. She was already angry at herself, embarrassed and frustrated and then, because the teacher specifically said that there were only two in the class that were any good, Dia figured the rest out. She's pretty good at math and this particular 1 + 1 equaled "You are terrible," in her equation.
Making matters far worse is the fact that she adores this teacher. She wants to do nothing but please her and prove herself worthy. Saying that she wasn't one of the 'good ones' crushed her. And it bled into the rest of her life.
When I look back on my life, I can clearly pick out those errant comments that changed my course. One similar one stands out, in fact.
I, too, had theatrical dreams. I thought being an actress sounded fine, but my dad made sure to let me know that I most assuredly did not have the drive for that. I, like Dia with her teacher, loved my dad and wanted nothing but to please him, so I accepted that at face value. "OK, I thought... I'm not very driven." I so absorbed that message that it wasn't until last year that I realized, "Wait... I am nothing if not driven. I raised 2 kids by myself, working 3 jobs at a time while attending school full-time and worked myself up from being a whatever-paid-the-bills to the COO of a data analytics firm. So, yeah, Dad, you might have misread that one a bit..."
Yet my whole life I've deemed myself a "Type X" - not quite the bottom of the ambitious barrel but way below Type A. And while I am rather laid back and more calm than not, I reflected recently that those attributes have nothing to do with drive. I may not be keen on drama nor clamor up the corporate ladder in a frenzied state, but drive I have in spades. I wonder how differently my life would have been had that comment not ever been uttered. Oh, I wouldn't have been an actress, I don't think, but maybe I would have just done it - whatever "it" was - because I wouldn't have thought I couldn't do it before I started. Instead, I sat in an identity of "Definitely Not Driven." I wouldn't be successful at anything that took a lot of drive, so what was the point of going for it?
Now, if I'm going to be honest, I'm sure I've said 3000 errant comments to my kids, my friends and my family members. I can tell you with no uncertain terms that I am feeling rather sorry about that right now. Things said in anger, or to plant kids solidly on logical and practical ground might be better kept to ourselves. I think we all should do a bit more shutting up.For me now? I'm gonna at least make sure my kid knows she's one hell of an actress and can do anything she puts her mind to!
-kec
Bravo. ❤️
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