On one hand, I feel socially connected there. I know what's going on in the lives of my friends near and (most especially) far away. I've reconnected with childhood friends and distant family. I see photos of them, their family and the places they go. It's kind of awesome that way - like a Christmas photo card with the update letter enclosed 365 days a year.
Then there's the flipside. I admit I don't especially care about what people eat and I'm not really interested in their workout progress (though I totally get the motivation behind those posts). I've had to eliminate certain people from my newsfeed just because they post every.single.thing.they do and, between that and the new super-annoying 'news' content (ads) Facebook interjects into the feed, I can't ever trudge through all that. Plus I can get weary of the overly zealous sides of fences people stand on, and certainly my heart has broken on the occasions when I learn that someone has hateful feelings toward another entire group of people. I'm still a little kid that way, and I wish everybody could just be nice.
But funny enough, those annoyances aren't what make me want to break up with Facebook. It's the part where everyone's life looks so damn happy and shiny. Kids going to their first day of the new school year with Mom AND Dad in tow. Couples out on dates smiling into their phones for selfies. A close-knit, cut-out-of-cream-cheese looking group of friends posting yet another FABulous night out. Super moms posting their latest success in business, followed by an outing with the family, followed by a fabulous workout report, followed by a 'date night' photo with the hubby - all in one day.
It's that part of Facebook that makes me feel socially disconnected. We don't have any of that, me and D. We're not like everybody else! Once more, I'm the weird kid... just like in Jr. High School. Why can't I just be like everyone else?
We don't have the Dad in tow for ANYthing. He's never come to Dia's school - or anything of Dia's for that matter. So that's out. My selfies are just the 'self' part. I don't have that plus one to take a selfie with. So THAT's out.. I don't belong to a group of friends and regardless I can't afford regular babysitting if I did. So nothing there. AND I'm the furthest thing from a super mom. Even if I do 'do it all,' the rub is I don't do it all well. I mean, it's a good day when I manage to get Dia to school on time.
It's that old Green-Eyed Monster... No, I'm not talking about me - and my eyes are gray anyway... No, I mean jealousy of course. Or envy (is there a difference?). Or just a mean case of IwishIhadthatitis.
Truth is I don't wish anything BUT happiness and success and a wonderful, loving family for my friends. When my friends suffer a loss or aren't leading fulfilling lives, I feel it too and my instinct is to fix it for them. I don't secretly revel in the fact that, for now, I have it better. Nor am I ever trying to win the 'whose life is worse' challenge. I never want to win that and I don't like pity. It's just that there IS this big void in me. And I do feel like I'm an outsider. Like I don't fit in. Plus there's this part that wishes that I'd done it better I guess. That I'd chosen better? That I could have been sharing the past 20 years with that person that has my back, that loves me as is, that walks hand-in-hand through life with me and wants to take ridiculous selfies in restaurants. Most especially I wish that Dia could have had that - that which Tim and Chey lost early on as well. Ah, guilt. Regret. Such glorious feelings.
It's not ALL Facebook's fault. It's not that those feelings aren't always there and it's not that I can't have down days and mini pity parties all by myself without Facebook's help. It's just that Facebook puts a magnifying glass on it. It gives a weird rose-colored lens to everyone's life. And though I'm old and wise enough to call bullshit on half of it... (we don't exactly air how pissed we are at our significant others, or how we just lost our shit on our kids for no reason, or how bad work sucks today (That's what blogs are for, huh?)) ... it's a little like watching a romantic comedy. You know, logically, nothing ever happens like that. Nothing's so black and white, so perfect-in-the-end, so shiny and happy. Yet there's a part of you that allows yourself to believe in the perfection, if only for a moment, and that's what catches me up.
Oh, Facebook. Perhaps you'll ruin yourself with all the ads (oh, I mean 'news') and we'll all have to resort to SnapChat or Vine or Instagram or (God forbid) calling each other. Besides I just read one of your articles and it said how wonderful being over-40 is, what with all the confidence we have in ourselves at this age. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Of course people post happy, "look how Awesome my life is" pictures. I think it's just human nature to present the most positive view of ourselves. I am more personally concerned for the ones who don't care to put their best foot forward.
ReplyDeleteProblem is that it does make the rest of us feel like crap when we don't have "that", whatever "that" is for us. Could be a husband, kids, house, travel, a great job, or anything. You want to be nothing but happy except inside it feels like lemon juice in a paper cut though.
Even though I know that, when everyone looks so darn happy on FB ,like they have everything together, I'm resentful and jealous. Then I feel guilty (Catholic school) and then stupid because I know that the truth is usually far different than what I see. Everyone struggles and has to deal with life's problems at some time. Of course I still contend that some people have actually figured out how to get extra hours in a day. At least 36 in some cases..
Honestly I look at your pictures of Dia and I admit to sometimes feeling jealous that you guys seem to get to spend so much time together doing fun stuff. It makes me feel that I never spend any real time with Catherine having fun and doing things, I'm always so busy and tired. Our final, last day of summer with our do-nothing day still ended up with me going into the office with Catherine in tow for an hour because something HAD to get done or the world was coming to an end. I guess to be cliché about it, I don't feel like I get much quality time with Catherine. I won't even mention how jealous I am of the cool theme partiers you put together. Well I guess I just did, so deal with it... :P
Regret is easy and we all do it but don't forget that you have things that Lots of other people envy. As a person, you are Beautiful, smart, funny, and caring. You have your mom around and you seem to have a pretty good relationship with her these days. You have 2 amazing adult children that you raised pretty much by yourself. I'm pretty sure there are a few green eyed monsters looking in your direction too. And my eyes are only hazel, so I guess that makes me half-jealous? I would bet that many of the same people that you see in those "perfect" pictures spend their own time being envious of friends lives they see on FB. It's definitely a love-hate-hate-some-more relationship with FB for me, and lots of other people.
Don't forget too that just having a significant other isn't the end-all, be-all. It has to be the right person. And frankly even the right person, doesn't always seem like the right person. You haven't settled, which sets a much better example for Dia than someone who gets/stays married because they are afraid of being alone. I know you may not feel it, but you've made choices that show how strong you are. Besides, one actual, loving parent totally trumps some theoretically "perfect" family of mother, father, 2.3 kids and a golden retriever. Keep this up and I might start to think you've been brainwashed by Fox News. You are not perfect, but you are an Awesome mom, and most kids don't get to have that so give yourself a break.
BTW, I think a lot of people never really fit in. I know that sounds weird because by definition when we feel left out, it's because we are sure that Everyone else is fitting right in. I was only ever part of a "group" that consisted of people who didn't fit in another recognized group. I think the truth is that most people feel like outsiders. Or maybe that's just something I tell myself to not feel like a total weirdo. Whatever...
You may not have a significant other at the moment but you are NOT alone either. You will find the right someone, but in the meantime, you have lots of people who love you..
I'm one of them. :) - Jane