Free to be Me

I think most of us will agree that our teen years are some of the worst years of our lives.  Terrified not to fit in or, worse, to stand out and be ostracized, we learn to conform to the popular standards at a relatively young age.

We just want to be normal, popular people with average lives, right?

But what does that really mean?  According to Webster’s, it means we really want to be people characterized by average intelligence and development, who are generally liked and approved of and to lead lives deficient in quality.

Yup, me too.  Where do I sign up for that?

Now, most folks would probably argue that we don’t really want average lives.  We want amazing lives!  We want all our dreams to come true.  Certainly the path towards that goal involves following someone else’s standards, dressing fashionably and never speaking out for ourselves, right?  I’m pretty sure all the most successful adults conduct themselves in that manner, don’t you think?

No, actually, I don’t think so.  I live in a pretty non-sexy world so I don’t know any socialites and I'll assume they play by those rules.  Yet, I can assure you the people I do know who stand out, such as some self-made mega-millionaires I know (of which I do now know several), did not get there by following a crowd.

So as an alternative to that dull, unintelligent, unimaginative life where, albeit, we might be generally liked but not particularly self-actualized, may I suggest we say:

“I want to be a unique, outstanding person with an extraordinary life.”

Then what we are really saying is "I want to be a person without an equal, marked by eminence and distinction with a life that is exceptional to a very marked extent."

OK, I realize I just talked over the heads of my target audience.  So here, consider this:

The opposite of normal?  Exceptional, extraordinary
The opposite of popular?  Exceptional, extraordinary (yeah, it is)
The opposite of conformity?  Distinctiveness

We are so busy as teenagers trying to find ourselves apart from our parents.  It’s the time in our lives when we are supposedly rebelling.  Indeed, we would rather become ANYone other than our parents, or teachers, or those old people in our lives that try to guide us (which is code word for boss us around).  Think about how lame your parents were/are and the music they listen to (seriously?) and the way they dress (do they even check themselves in the mirror?) and could they just drop us off a block from school so no one has to see their superior lameness??? 

But in all that angst and rejection and superiority, we go right into that school wearing exactly what Emily, the head cheerleader and homecoming queen, wore last week.  (We begged Lame-O Mom for it for days until she conceded.)  We talk like “them,” we watch the same things “they” do; we listen to the same music and “like” it.  We try to become “them.”  Oh yes we do.  I did it.  I didn’t succeed, but I sure as hell tried.  And if we can’t become them, we rebel against them too by …..wait for it….. wait for it….dressing like the ‘out’ crowd that we are now ‘in’ with.  Now we talk like “them,” we watch the same things “they” do; we listen to the same music and “like” it.  We try to become this “them.”

Where’s the rebellion?  OK, and for that matter, what does that even mean?  Going again to Webster’s, “Rebel” is a person that “rises up against authority or another’s control.”  I’m no control freak – by a far measure – but I have to admit that not being under another’s control sounds very appealing.  I like the idea of controlling my own destiny and I like the idea that it will be extraordinary and I’m pretty sure that no one else is going to create that for me.  So call me a middle-aged rebel.

I’m asking teenagers to consider what they are doing and why instead of just doing it.  Take three seconds and write down your biggest dream for your life.  I don’t care if it’s “be a rock star” or “make a million dollars.”  Just write it down.  Then think about it for three more seconds.  What is it going to take to get you there?  I’m gonna’ guess that it’s not Emily the homecoming queen or even her approval.  My advice?  Live your life for you.  Do what makes you feel happiest.  And then be a real friend and encourage the kids around you to do the same – for them.

And I’m asking parents to stop programming their kids.  I know it’s hard, but find out who they are not who you wish they would be.  I know we all want our child to be loved, to be popular, to be successful, and I don’t think it’s malicious at all.  Certainly some parents actually know the code and can pave the way for their children to be the head cheerleader, or the football captain.  And that’s great.  I’m not going to argue that that doesn’t make things go more smoothly for them.  But high school is a blink and they need to be set for the rest of their lives, not lost on a journey that has no destination.  If all they've learned is how to play the game, they may have a life their neighbors admire, but they won't find the joy of scribbling outside the lines.

I don’t know a single adult that doesn’t still, to this day, whether they were uber popular or an outcast, whether they had the greatest parents or the worst… I don’t know one that doesn’t at least every once in a while hurt, that doesn’t feel lonely, that doesn’t pray for someone to just ‘get’ them.  It's why we light up around certain people, isn't it?  It's a precious friend that truly gets us and maybe even concurs on our craziest ideas.  Or not, but just loves us for having them. Around those friends we're free to be our very own "me."

Kids?  Try to believe this old person when she tells you your best move is to find what you love and follow that.  Parents?  Smoothing the way for an interim is nice, but let’s give our kids the support to be their extraordinary, unique and outstanding selves for life.