One Errant Comment

Dia didn't want to go to her theater practice tonight. She gave all kinds of excuses: 1) she was getting picked up early anyway; or 2) she just didn't see the point; or 3) it was "just" school theater...

I made her go, but she was sullen and angry at me.

Then she didn't want to submit her audition tapes for two potential parts in an upcoming TV series. She was overwhelmed at the idea of memorizing all the lines. She was overwhelmed at the amount of time these parts could potentially take. She was overwhelmed at how much they could change her life. She was convinced she wouldn't get the parts anyway, so why bother.

And this isn't like her at all.

She could do this stuff in her sleep. She lives to act. She lights up more on a set or up on stage than anywhere else in her world. Her dream is to be an award-winning screenwriter and director and maybe act on the side. Plus, I've never seen my child so driven as I have when she's on set. She's focused, she's interested, she pushes through everything and anything. For God's sake -- one (very) early morning, as we were driving to set a few years ago, she got sick in the car and in between wretches she insisted that we keep going. She collected herself in the Studio parking lot (thank God I'd brought a change of clothes for her) and then, running to get to set on time, she fell in"New York City" on the sidewalk that was still under construction. She tore open her knee but picked herself up explaining that she could not be late and kept on heading for her location. The cheers of the set builders trailed after her: "Way to go!" "That girl's gonna be a star!"

So why, all of a sudden, does she feel so gloomy about it?

I had to find out, so I poked the bear. Sometimes getting your kid super mad at you is a good thing. It's like getting an adult drunk. They blurt out the truth after a bit of annoying prodding.

And the culprit? One errant comment.

Apparently, at the last theater practice one of the teachers got frustrated with the group for not being off-book yet, or not knowing the lyrics, or just generally fooling around when they should have been quiet and focused. Said teacher blurted out (something to the effect of) "The only people who know their stuff is Joe and Marcus." which Dia translated to "Dia's acting is terrible." and "Dia sucks."

You see, she flubbed her monologue earlier during practice. She had it down at home - but, for whatever reason, she lost the whole train of it during practice. She was already angry at herself, embarrassed and frustrated and then, because the teacher specifically said that there were only two in the class that were any good, Dia figured the rest out. She's pretty good at math and this particular 1 + 1 equaled "You are terrible," in her equation.

Making matters far worse is the fact that she adores this teacher. She wants to do nothing but please her and prove herself worthy. Saying that she wasn't one of the 'good ones' crushed her. And it bled into the rest of her life.

When I look back on my life, I can clearly pick out those errant comments that changed my course. One similar one stands out, in fact.

I, too, had theatrical dreams. I thought being an actress sounded fine, but my dad made sure to let me know that I most assuredly did not have the drive for that. I, like Dia with her teacher, loved my dad and wanted nothing but to please him, so I accepted that at face value. "OK, I thought... I'm not very driven." I so absorbed that message that it wasn't until last year that I realized, "Wait... I am nothing if not driven. I raised 2 kids by myself, working 3 jobs at a time while attending school full-time and worked myself up from being a whatever-paid-the-bills to the COO of a data analytics firm. So, yeah, Dad, you might have misread that one a bit..."

Yet my whole life I've deemed myself a "Type X" - not quite the bottom of the ambitious barrel but way below Type A. And while I am rather laid back and more calm than not, I reflected recently that those attributes have nothing to do with drive. I may not be keen on drama nor clamor up the corporate ladder in a frenzied state, but drive I have in spades. I wonder how differently my life would have been had that comment not ever been uttered. Oh, I wouldn't have been an actress, I don't think, but maybe I would have just done it - whatever "it" was - because I wouldn't have thought I couldn't do it before I started. Instead, I sat in an identity of "Definitely Not Driven." I wouldn't be successful at anything that took a lot of drive, so what was the point of going for it?

Now, if I'm going to be honest, I'm sure I've said 3000 errant comments to my kids, my friends and my family members. I can tell you with no uncertain terms that I am feeling rather sorry about that right now. Things said in anger, or to plant kids solidly on logical and practical ground might be better kept to ourselves. I think we all should do a bit more shutting up.

For me now? I'm gonna at least make sure my kid knows she's one hell of an actress and can do anything she puts her mind to!

-kec

Soaring Love

It was so green today. All this rain does wonders for the landscape. The desert mountains go from brown and gray to shades of green so lush they rival the hills of Ireland. I try to memorize it all while I'm walking - to take in the hues and the plushness, the aliveness of it all. Ah, but my memory has never been very photographic and so today I decided to stop for a moment and take a photo.

I paused above our wash. It reminded me of Yosemite's rushing creeks and the sound of the water running through the wash put me back there. I smiled at the memory of a New Year's holiday spent with my family, all of us together in one magnificent place. I smiled at the beauty and perfection of nature in those woods. And I smiled at my own neighborhood, so clean and newborn.

I raised my camera and tried to capture what only the naked eye can truly behold.

Without so much of a glance at the end product, knowing it would merely be a reminder of the beauty I took in on this day, I pocketed my phone and walked up the hill toward home. A butterfly flew around me. Delighted, I  remembered being told that butterflies represent the souls of those gone before you, yet remaining with you still.

A few more steps later another butterfly flew around me, then another and another. I saw in them my dad, my Aunt Brenda and Erin encouraging me and letting me know I was loved. I was filled with inexplicable joy and comfort. Looking over my shoulder I saw four more flitting toward me. As they flew over my head I saw Roger and Stella, still holding hands, still in love. I saw Carmen smiling and Hooner singing. Smiling more broadly than my face allowed, I continued up the hill. More! Still more! Butterflies flew around me and past me, leading my way. I saw my grandfather and grandmother, my Uncle Bob and Aunt Bev, my cousin John. Dozens of butterflies flew around me, above me and beside me. I raised my arms to the skies and tilted my face to the sun and knew in that moment all the souls gone before me were with me still.

Dishwashers and Giant Pigs

It happened again.

Once more I found the dishwasher poached.

It's a frequent thing. Instead of emptying it, she takes just one dish out - a mug usually - and then closes it back up leaving the remaining clean dishes for me, I presume, to finish up.

Today, just as I have on so many other days, I went to add my dirty dish to its rightful place, found that its relatives were all clean and waiting to be put back (minus the one lucky one that had already been plucked out) and immediately felt frustrated and taken for granted.

But today, unlike other days, I slammed that dishwasher closed and vowed not to do it this time. "No! If she won't, I won't! No sir! I'll leave them there all day and the dirty dishes can pile up in the sink until either she empties the dishwasher or they all get confused on which ones are dirty and which ones are clean and get rewashed or first-washed, depending. Yes! That's just what I'll do! I will prevail! I'll show her! If she doesn't care, I won't care."

But that fleeting, pouty-teenager tantrum was quickly followed by a sticky, more-human thought: "Why would I do that? Why double down on the bad? Or, more accurately, why make something bad that never was bad to begin with?"

Now, at the risk of throwing my mom under the bus for being messy or imperfect, and definitely at the risk of exposing me and my anal tendencies (and fully being cognitive of the fact that most of you will side with Mom on this one), what I'm here to discuss isn't which side of the dishwasher we should lean. No, I'd like to talk about that fleeting, pouty-teenager thought. That "Oh, I'm not being treated the way I want to be treated so I'll just treat them like they're treating me" thought. That presumption that it was ever even about me! That audacious certainty that I am being treated in any way at all. As if her every move, every thought, every motivation has something to do with me. I mean, let's face it - she probably was just tired and needed a mug and, though there were plenty of mugs in the cabinet, she just grabbed it out of there because it was closer. I don't know that she didn't have every intention of emptying the dishwasher after that first cup of coffee. I don't know that that's not her intention every single time and I just get to it faster because of my aforementioned tendencies. I don't really know her motivation. And that's my point.


Yesterday at the Gentle Barn, a fellow volunteer came up to me and told me to get back to my job, which basically was cleaning up turkey shit in the breezeway. Apparently, and tragically, someone had stepped in said turkey shit and it was all because I had not done my job. In real life? I guarantee there hasn't been a person to visit the Gentle Barn that hasn't stepped in some sort of animal shit at some point. Face it, you are not going home without shit on your shoes. But that's an aside. The thing is, that her perception was that I was just standing over by a fence, holding a broom, chatting up a guest and looking at a big pig digging in the dirt with his nose rather than doing my assigned job. It was simple - I was goofing off.

But you see, I was doing a job. Maybe not my assigned job, but a more important one at the time. I was helping to prevent a bunch of people from getting run over by a very large pig with very poor eyesight, who is surprisingly nimble and whom, I suspect, actually gets a kick out of watching the seas part for him as he rambles around the barnyard. Realistically, had I not been there, I'm sure everything would have been fine. The upper barnyard manager is very adept and had things under control, as did the pig's docent, but by being at point (ahead of the pig) I had been able to divert the crowd a little more efficiently and saved at least one person from being pushed aside by an enormous animal.




Obviously, I was going to return to my original duties and didn't need this child telling me where I should be. It really rankled me. I didn't like her treating me as if she were the boss of me. I didn't like being accused of not doing a good job - especially me of all people (refer to the tendencies I admit to above). I didn't like her assumptions. I was pissed. And I glared back at her and said something useless in a tone that wasn't very kind. And I felt justified in doing so.

Well, that is until that fleeting, pouty-teenager tantrum was not quite as quickly followed by a stickier, more-human thought: "But from her perspective, I was goofing off." At the point the volunteer berated me, I was not being useful at all. I really was, as she saw it, just standing there. All was well and calm. And I will say that, as a Gentle Barn guest-turned volunteer, I deeply appreciate the importance of the breezeway job. So she was right ... at least from her perspective.

Eventually I realized she probably now thinks me to be a lazy, entitled volunteer that gives a mean stink eye when being redirected. That's so far off the mark, but it's true to her because she thinks it's about her. Her perception is her reality. She thinks the whole interaction took place with no back story and all she was doing was trying to keep things clean for the guests.

And so it is done. Not that I was going to be her BFF, nor was she my future adopted daughter, but the chances are that we will never have a particularly civil relationship now.

Had either of us taken the time to hear the others' backstory, the whole thing wouldn't have been negative. But, I mean, really - who has time for that? And I'm not being sarcastic. Ain't nobody got time for that. My message here isn't about that level of love.

My message is that we don't simply assume things. No, we are certain of things. And in that certainty, if what we receive is negative, we are certain to give that negativity right back. Maybe in spades. She hurt my feelings? I'll hurt hers. Worse if I can. She'll see how it feels.

And that's how everything starts. We see hate. We give hate. They hit. We hit back. They start it. We finish it (until they finish what we thought we finished and start it again).

But the thing is, we don't take the time to consider that maybe it never had to escalate in the first place. Maybe it never was about "me." Maybe there was no first strike at all.

So maybe next time I'm to be at the Gentle Barn I'll poach a mug from the dishwasher, stick some fresh flowers in it, grab a box of vegan chocolates and offer a peace offering. Or maybe I'll just stay at whatever station I'm assigned to no matter what. Or maybe, and more likely, I'll just tread this earth with a little more respect for the fact that it is not, in fact, revolving around me.

- kec

Is This Thing On?

 "We're going live in 3.... 2 ..... 1"

(Thump thump) "Is this thing on?"

...

"Thanks. Thank you! Great to be here. Really."

It's been 2 years. Two.Years. My last blog post was post-Trumpocalypse and - whoa - has a lot changed since then, huh? So, how you doin'?

Me? I waiver between 1) utter despair, constant dread and dreams of a life in Canada married to Justin Trudeau leading our country to Be Best and 2) a boot camp level of Extreme Self-Improvement. I've been studying Zen Buddhism, meditating, keeping a gratitude journal and being my personal version of "best." I've also been focusing a bit more on my physical state, working out again and trying to be mindful of what I put in my body. I'd like to think that all the self-improvement is inspired by the ol' "if you can't beat 'em, lead 'em" attitude, but the fact is that the current administration has turned life into a bit of a drinking game for me. I needed to find a healthier escape than 3 gin and tonics before breakfast and all that consumption caused me to grow very, very fat (for me anyway). 

The ultimate goal is to have the body of Rachel Brosnahan, but I am fairly certain that I'd have to rearrange internal organs and remove a few ribs to accomplish that. Also I hate pain. I don't like to 'feel the burn;' I hate to be sore the next day; and I really don't like to put effort into things in general. I also love carbs. And wine. And cocktails. And appetizers. And dessert. Also cheese and crackers. Plus, I am nothing short of genius at inventing 3 to 4 thousand different reasons not to work out. Leading the pack are my conflicting responsibilities, of course: work, laundry, cooking, cleaning, Driving Miss Dia, eating, watching TV, staring out the window at a lizard and, of course, who has the time it'll take afterward to shower, dress and deal with hair and make-up?

There are days when my willpower does prevail, however. Today, in fact, was one. I was walking to the bathroom with an armful of clean clothes preparing to shower and start my day while that nagging little voice followed me all the way in there, poking at me and telling me to "turn right around, young lady, and get that workout done." Fine. I turned on my heels and went to change. Brilliant will power! I win! Until...

The worst deterrent to my exercise routine struck: The sports bra. 

Today I chose one of those back closure deals that still has to go over your head due to the permanent criss-cross back (why???). Just to get it that far, I dislocated my shoulders one by one all the while considering if I should audition for "So You Think You Can Dance."

 

Finally, I get this thing over my head and in the general vicinity of my back. I reach around, grab a hold of the left and the riyyy... Wait..... What's this? 

Start again. I grab a hold of the left closure and .... reaching... Where?? Grab hold of the right closure? No...what the...? 

It appeared that the right side - the one with the hooks - was deeply hooked into itself up in and among the mesh of that criss-crossy bit and I can't ... quite ... get... it.... Are you kidding me? 

So off comes the bra, thrown with the force an MLB pitcher only wishes he has, directly into the cat who is innocently grooming himself on my bed. This sends him soaring into the air as only cats who have been pummeled by sports bras are known to do. 

As I watch my bra, still attached to the cat, run out of the room and around the corner, I feel simultaneously defeated and justified in scrapping the workout for the day. Still - remembering that Trudeau is already married and I must carry on with Plan B - I begrudgingly open my lingerie drawer, choose another somewhat less complicated version, sqwiggle my way into it and readjust every external body part I own. 

Yup. This thing is on.

But it ain't comin' off.

Sadness

I’m sitting here with an overwhelming sense of sorrow. It’s a rich, deep melancholy that fills my chest and tightens my throat. It’s a physical weight that twists my gut and stings my eyes. It is not something of which I am familiar.

I have no real justification for feeling so despondent. I have not had a personal tragedy, nor is my health threatened and all my loved ones are accounted for.

So I take inventory:

Cheyanne just broke her leg. Perhaps that is it. The uncertainty of where this latest injury will drive her journey in life, even temporarily, weighs on me.

Or maybe it’s residual from the stress when my entire family (save for my brother) was threatened by Hurricane Matthew. Though their persons are all safe, whole and intact, their homes, yards and towns were not so lucky. And though a beach house that holds a special place in my heart was spared for the most part, the beautiful dunes it lived among are flattened. The sight of the expanse of sand where there once was life feels final and restoration seems futile. Rebuilding is a monstrous task. Perhaps that is enough to justify my sorrow.

Or it could be that too frequently I must stand by and watch my wee Dia bounce between complete wellness one hour and writhing in pain crying out in pleas of desperation the next. She drops precious weight and my mind races with worst case scenarios, yet I can do nothing but encourage her to carry on.

That could be why. It would be justifiable, I’d imagine, if it was - but that is not why. Not entirely, anyway. Ultimately? It’s futility. This feeling of absolute futility. I feel … helpless. Powerless.

“Take back your power.” I just said those words to Cheyanne in my attempt to offer her strength and support but more likely in a subconscious moment of brilliant projection: “Take.back.your.power.”

But what power do I have to reclaim? I am one person. One not particularly charismatic, rather awkward person who has no influence, no following, no voice. Indeed, this very post will be read by people who know me and likely agree with my views. At best, I may reach a few who lovingly ‘agree to disagree.’

You see, I lied. I do know ‘why.’ I’ve known for some time now. At the root of my despair is the witnessing of a people I never thought I’d live to see again. A history I naively believed was behind us as a nation is undeniably beginning to repeat itself. The progress I proudly watched being made, bit-by-bit on the backs and bloodshed of those long gone is seemingly hellbent upon being undone very, very soon.

Racism. Back with a vengeance.

And we are voting it into office – the highest office in our country.

Oh, I know… you are just picking between the “best of two evils.” I’ve heard it all. I hear you begrudgingly admitting you will vote for that certain candidate knowing his views, knowing the worst of his followers, knowing his influence BUT… BUT your religious convictions, BUT your hatred for the other candidate, BUT you are concerned about your pocketbook… The BUTs outweigh your disdain for his disregard of the most human of beings.

BUT that is what ‘they’ are, you know: They are Human Beings. Whether to you ‘they’ are The Blacks or The Gays or The Muslims or The Refugees or The Mexicans or The Disabled or The Women, THEY are human and their lives are about to be turned upside down, if they are not already.

I could cite recent events to prove my point – nooses being thrown over students at schools in the South, racial epithets being hurled like it’s 1964, the overt sexualization of women, churches burning, the KKK’s renewed public activity…  but this is an emotional post, it isn’t meant to be a paper. It’s not even meant to be a political statement. It’s merely me trying to get through this feeling of powerlessness, watching my faith in humanity drain out of me and praying that Tuesday will relieve my concerns and lift this weight off me so we can go about the work of undoing what this man has already managed to do. Rebuilding is a monstrous task, yes, but we can put it back again – even better maybe – if we can hold back the storm from causing further damage.

So here I am, taking back what little power I have. Take this as encouragement to carry on. I know it hurts, but when it is all said and done I will be here and I will stoop with you to pick up all the broken pieces and put us together again. 

Even if you broke it.

 “History is not just facts and events. History is also a pain in the heart and we repeat history until we are able to make another’s pain in the heart our own.”

-kec