An Ode to Thigh Gap

What light though yonder thighs once broke

That skin and fat and age now choke

Tis the rub and sticky heat

That madden me now that they meet.

Lo Talc! In you I put my faith

To spare me from this cursed chafe

Yet thine evidence in powd'ry snow

On all my wears of black doth show.

Fitness Lords, why doth ye lie?
These moves dare not reshape mine thighs.

Nay, ev’ry plié and plyometric squat

Causes me to wish in Hell you’d rot.

And now as I peer in the glass

To see the fate befallen mine ass

Once small and round and firm and high

Now sits deflated upon mine thighs.

This road of life tarries on, forsooth

Alas, I must now visage the truth

Twas never so before, and yet?

Twould seem my thighs hast truly met.

Thy Wrath

I can't keep my temper any longer. I don't know if it's my advanced age or simply my situation. Going to Children's Hospital every single week can turn your perspective on things a bit. I admit I don't have much tolerance for people's petty complaints and tenacious focus on inconsequential matters in their white-bread, First World lives. Still, I try to understand.

But now y'all are preaching that your god has found a reason to step into the dealings of this earth. It's not to save sick kids. It's not to bring about peace. In fact, He doesn't interfere with wars and He doesn't get particularly bothered over malevolent rulers or genocide. But homosexuals getting married? Yeah that's a huge problem.


Look, I try to stay in a positive place. I believe - very strongly I might add - in a presence that is benevolent and is, in a word, LOVE. I don't know if that's God, Jesus, Allah, he who cannot be named, or the freaking Spaghetti Monster. I don't really care. I just know that it rained the other day. Not much, but it did. I'd prayed for it and it rained. And for me? That was enough to raise my spirits and raise my faith and continue my prayers that all those kids at Children's and that my kid will get to grow up. I'm not asking for them to grow up to become anything at all but alive and hopefully well. Gay, straight, or in-between is fine.

But God seems to have a different opinion on that matter. Apparently, he's fine with kids being sick and dying, but being homosexual is truly troublesome. He isn't angry at the child abusers and He's just fine with rapists. He can't rile himself up over the cruelty of man against man, but He sure as hell gives a boatload of fucks over who is sleeping with whom.

The Good People are warning us: God's wrath is about to come down. He's so utterly disgusted that He may even destroy us ALL - even the God-abiding ones. Oh no. Wait. They are saved. But the rest of us - those who live their lives with love and generosity and CARE for their fellow man - He's gonna' throttle us. He's going to rain down because we extended our hearts and our understanding and our tolerance.

He cannot turn His attention to human suffering for that is part of the Great Plan. He cannot interfere with the cruelties we commit upon each other, for - again- it is the Way. But THIS? This is intolerable.

So to the parents sitting by their children's bedsides, arguing with doctors, researching desperately for a cure, foregoing sleep, foregoing food, begging their God for a miracle?

He can't be bothered with that right now. He's too busy worrying about the gays.

Daylight Savings Song

One of my friends was lamenting the ills of Daylight Savings Time and considering petitioning the government to put an end to the hour-robbing practice. I agreed, but thought the revolution needed a theme song. So I present to you "Daylight Savings Song" (with the caveat that it's just silly friendship stuff and that I'm no Weird Al):

Set to the tune of Tom Petty's "Don't Do Me Like This." 

I'll wait while you go find your favorite YouTube or mp3 version. 

Got it? OK. Ready? Hit play!

4

I was talking with a friend of mine
She was wonderin' about the time.

Said she had this hour a day ago

But woke up and where’d it go?

Then she said her kids were all messed up

That they almost missed the bus!

Yeah, someday it’s just gotta die:

Daylight Savings Time

Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that
What if I don’t want this crazy?

Don't do me like that

Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that
Why don’t we just change this, maybe?

Don't do me like that

Listen Senate, can’t we agree?

This is just stupidity.

Since you are in the public eye

Maybe we could give change a try?

But you know it’s like you are deaf

Or not thinking about what is best.

Or maybe you’ll just tell us lies

‘bout Daylight Savings Time.

Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that
What if I don’t want this crazy?

Don't, don’t, don’t, don’t!

Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that
Why don’t we just change this, maybe?

Don't do me like that

'Cause someone in Government
Has to be saying,

"This law just can’t last that long."
People don’t want it ...and they are sayin'

We can't take it no more

Listen Senate, can’t we agree?

This is just stupidity

Since you are in the public eye

Maybe we could give change a try?

But you know it’s like you are deaf

Or not thinking about what is best.

Or maybe you’ll just tell us lies

‘bout Daylight Savings Time.

Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that
What if I don’t want this crazy?

Don't, don’t, don’t, don’t!

Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that
Why don’t we just change this, maybe?

Don't do me like that

Not (even) One More

THIS might be a good start but gun safety, while that sounds reasonable, is not enough.

There was a time - when I had more free time - that I logged such things as accidental gun deaths vs the protection of one's property vs gun-inflicted suicide rates vs defense of one's self vs crazy mother fuckers with a gun. I have folders filled with articles and statistics. I have story after story about accidental shootings of spouses creeping in too late at night, of suicides made far too easy, of school shootings and of toddlers killing their siblings.

I hear the arguments for gun ownership. "No one is going to run off with MY plasma TV"... and I can concede that in 2010, of the almost THIRTY-TWO THOUSAND people killed by a firearm in the U.S., 1% were considered 'legal intervention' (which is primarily by police officers and also only 320 of those 32,000 deaths).

I hear the roar of the 2nd Amendment advocates too. Though I still maintain that our Founding Fathers couldn't even fathom an automatic weapon nor a time when free people would feel the need to be armed against one another, I do appreciate their claim to our Constitutional Right to bear arms.

But this isn't about home invasion or the Constitution. It's simply about collateral damage. How many kids need to be killed exactly to make it resonate that we - the sum of us - can't be trusted?

We have seat belt laws because we can't be counted on to keep ourselves safe without the fear of a traffic ticket. We recall everything from cribs that collapse when your baby's weight limit arguably exceeds any common sense, to bouncy seats because people set them on high counter tops unattended. We protect ourselves from ourselves.

There are people who are too stupid to realize you can't leave an animal in a closed car on a hot day; people who are so dim that they need a warning on their curling iron stating not to use it while they are in the tub; people who are so ignorant that they have to be told that their hot coffee is, in fact, hot and might burn them if they don't give it a second.... Well, we give those same exact people guns and expect them to behave reasonably and responsibly.

In 2001, we were devastated by the loss of 2,977 people in the attacks on 9/11. That same year at least 2,926 children died from gun related deaths. CHILDREN. Yet we avenge only one of these atrocities. We proudly wage the war against terrorism to avenge a single day, yet we sit idly while every year we lose thousands of our children right here in our homes IN OUR HOMES.

Why? Because we don't want to get into politics? Because we're scared we'll sound weak or vulnerable? Or worse? That we will be weak or vulnerable? Well let me tell you something. I don't own a gun. I never will. But if anyone ever tries to hurt one of my kids, they will be met with a rage so fearsome that no gun - no force for that matter - would stop it. That's why I write this. I don't want an innocent play date to end up tragically. I'm not going to let my kids get hurt. I, for one, am standing up and saying: NO MORE. Not even one more.

-kec

*****************************************************************************



I have read tons of articles like THIS

and this- In terms of accidental fatalities, American children younger than 15 are nine times more likely to die by a gun accident than those in the rest of the developed world.
 
and this - Accidental gun deaths are under-counted

But don't listen to just me - look for yourself. Don't rely on FOX or the NRA, or even Everytown.org. They all have their bend. So just look at the numbers - look on the CDC, state records, hospital stats. And if you find yourself in silent agreement, please stand with me and start speaking up. I don't want those numbers to grow larger. Not even by one.

The Mommy Drones Strike Again

Oh Love and Logic, how I love to hate you.  

Here is the latest helpful advice from our favorite clueless self-help guru (my comments in red): 

 

Mom, will you drive me over to school so I can practice with the cheerleader squad?"

 

"Maybe, Susie. Did you get your household contributions finished already?"

I am sorry. My what? My household contributions? What is that?... tithing? Speak English for God's sake. Or Spanish. Or Sane. Yeah, sane would be good here. 
 

"Well, I thought I'd do them tonight after I get home."

"That sounds great, except that our agreement was that they are supposed to be done before you leave the house."

If you don't like her answer, Mom, why did you open with "That sounds great"? I am picturing you delivering this line with that special head-tilted, wide-eyed, sweet-voiced weirdness that only truly repressed people can really nail.   

"But, Mom, that is so lame. None of my friends have to do stuff like that!"

"I'm sure that's true, Susie, and what did I say?"

Um... As a fellow 'adult' I'm not even sure what you said. It's pretty much clicks and whistles. So I don't know how Susie would be able to follow your insanity thinking. She's not even old enough to drive for Pete's sake. 

"Well, I'll just call Vera. Her mom will drive both of us to practice. I'm going anyway and you can just forget those jobs 'cause I've just about had it with being a slave around here!"

"That's a possibility, Susie. Are you telling me that you're just going to leave those jobs for me to take care of like you did last month?"    
What the... Are you some sort of robot, Mom? Or an alien? Seriously, Susie just threw DOWN with that one and all you got is"That's a possibility?" You disappoint me, Mom. Surely you can do better than that.

"Oh, fine! Just fine, Mom! Can't you just lighten up? The last time you took care of it, I got a $40 bill from the Merry Maids. It took most of my savings. I don't know why you have to make such a big deal about chores. I get good grades! Isn't that enough? Geez!"
Seriously, Mom, you DO kind of suck. If $40 wiped out her savings, you aren't throwing many bones here.  My cat has more in his savings than that. 

"Well, Susie, I guess that if I were your age which I never have been since I was created in a lab in a mad scientist's castle, I'd have a hard time understanding why everyone should do their share of the work. It will probably be a lot easier to understand someday when you have a family of your own. If you don't figure it out by then, I'll give it another try."

Wait. Did that make sense to anyone else out there? What does she mean by "if you don't figure it out by then, I'll give it another try"? Is she planning to show up at grown-up Susie's place once she's married with children? I can only imagine that opening: "Hi, Susie. I'm sure you remember our conversation when you were 14 and wanted a ride to cheer practice. Now let's get to those household contributions!" 

"Does that mean you're not going to take me?"
Yeah, Mom, are you sure you aren't just milking this for a visit from Merry Maids? I think you are totally working this so Vera's mom will drive Susie and you can kick back with a girly umbrella drink and a couple of Vicodin.

"No, Susie, I'll be glad to give you a ride just as soon as the jobs are done. Let me know when that is and I'll jump right to it. See you later, sweetie. Right now I have a date with my medicine cabinet."
 

Note: This discussion is bound to come up before long. (I wouldn't put any real money on that...) You might want to keep this handy. (For easy access, Mom, keep it with your copy of "The Guide to Understanding Men: If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs"*) You may find a need to say, "I'm not sure how to react to what you are asking. Give me a few minutes, and I'll get right back to you." This will give you time to race to the nightstand for a quick reminder, a shot of  Baileys and a Xanax.

 *This is a real book.

You know what? I'm leaving you without a closing remark. I am aware that this is shirking my responsibilities and someone somewhere is surely to suffer an energy drain because of this. I accept that possibility and the totally unreasonable consequences that may follow.